February 26, 2013

Blame

i am a blame-shifter.
i try to pretend that i'm not,
to tell myself that i most certainly do take the blame for my mistakes,
or for when things go wrong
or even when they don't go according to plan.
but it's a lie.
i am a blame-shifter.
i like to find a way to shift the weight onto situations or circumstances or people
instead of having to acknowledge that i may have messed up,
or that it's my fault.
i like to blame others and their words.
word have always had a sort of romantic interest for me.
they are lovely
powerful
drenched in meaning
and full of potential.
but words can be cruel
in the mouths of those who do not understand how to use them.
they turned me into a girl who hid under the bathroom sink,
climbed a tree she wasn't supposed to,
burrowed away into books,
confused and hurt,
in an attempt to balance what she thought and what she was being told.
the chief action of blame is to reciprocate the hurt placed on you by others back onto their shoulders.
blame is a silent killer.
blame becomes anger becomes hate.
(i can feel my inner star wars fan that sits not-too-far below the surface smiling as i type those words.)
i turned to my bible in hopes of posting a verse of pertinence, 
but instead i find there are so many verses that i feel indirectly confirm and rebuke all that i'm saying and experiencing, it's impossible to list them all.
james, hebrews, philippians, romans all speak words of truth and love and forgiveness.
how can i claim the forgiveness of christ and yet not offer it to those who i feel may have wronged me?
how can i say 
"i know the truth!"
and yet let myself believe lies.
when jesus hung on the cross,
a perfectly sinless incarnation of god himself,
he bore the countless sins
transgressions past, present, and yet-to-come,
of an entire world.
he didn't say "i didn't do this!"
he said "father forgive them."
*
i've spent a significant amount of time blaming my problems on people and their words.
and i woke up this week realizing that i still do.
not all of this is my fault,
but some of it is.
i am a sinful human being and when i decide,
however involunatry a choice it may seem,
to give in to the persuasions of an eating disorder,
i choose to try to fix and heal things myself,
instead of asking god to fix and heal them for me.
i choose to provide a bad example of what a christian is and does to the world.
these are the times when it's no one's fault but mine.
i will shift blame no longer.

2 comments:

mamaforhim said...

This was great, Grace!
Sure do miss you!!

Sophie Doolittle said...

Shoot, I do love you friend.