July 15, 2012

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

This past week has somehow been one of the happiest all Summer,
Which is kind of funny, because I can hardly remember most of it.
Things have been such a blur of 
Work,
Conversation
Music,
More work,
Prayer,
Even more work,
And intermittent moments of what we refer to as "hanging out" with one's friends. 
Sadly, my camera was stolen at the Farmer's market a few weeks ago,
So pictures
-Even poor-quality ones-
Are going to be nonexistent for a while unless borrowed from others or taken using my mother's camera.
(Note: never let a delicious almond pastry distract you enough that you put your camera down in a public place, even if it is for two seconds, and even if it is in Boise. I know ruffians and scalawags exist everywhere, but Boise is such a lovely place I never would have guessed they lived here too.)
 However, the highlight of this week would have to be the discovery of a new blog
And, 
More specifically,
A particular post.
The lovely Emily Wierenga is the founder of Chasing Silhouettes, a blog for those struggling with an eating disorder and the people who care for them.
The specific blog post, however, is one in which she renews her vows, in blog-post format, to her husband.
What seems to you to be merely a sweet gesture is, to me, an odd symbol of hope.
As someone who fights constantly with the beast in her head, 
(Yes: constantly. People assume that just because I'm at a healthy weight and look "normal" that my eating disorder troubles are over. This is so very far from the truth. The less you engage in disordered behaviors, the harder it is to stay recovered and well.)
I'm always shocked and gladdened when I meet others ED survivors who are married.
I live with the belief that,
Because I can't stand myself,
How could anyone else?
If I cannot even begin to hope to love the person I am,
No one else will.
If I had one wish,
I wouldn't ask for world peace,
I wouldn't cure cancer,
I wouldn't find homes for orphans;
I would reveal how selfish I truly am,
And beg to be anyone, anything else,
But me.
There.
Are you thoroughly shocked?
Because I am thoroughly ashamed.
I am daily surprised and unutterably grateful for the
Amazing,
Inexplicable 
Love of Christ.
It's an 
Awe-inspiring,
Mind-boggling 
Thing to me.
Every morning I wake up surprised to find it not only still there,
But renewed.  
And yet,
For some reason,
Outside of Christ it feels as if no one should even come close to me.
I know people like me who have married or are engaged
(My wonderful roommate from New York, Ally, is to be wed this Fall),
Or have had children.
(If you ever want to study a very long, very involved subject, look up all of the havoc that even a year of semi-starvation can wreak on your body, especially as pertaining to pregnancy difficulties and miscarriages. Be warned: it's a very depressing subject.) 
 I am so jealous of the amazing support that the husbands,
Like Emily's in the post,
Somehow know how to offer up and insinuate in the lives of their wives.
It's a support and love different from that of the bountiful sort I have been showered with.
So many people have come along side me in the past year to offer their support,
So many friendships have been formed,
People have been met, 
And things have been learned,
And I, 
Though an undeserving wretch of a recipient,
Am beyond grateful for it.
Yet there is still that longing to know the love that only the one God has created for you can give,
And it is a longing that contrasts harshly with the belief that I will never be
Deserving,
Lovable,
Beautiful,
Enough to receive it. 
So the highlight of this week is the discovery that maybe these things are possible.
Maybe there is someone who can look past the flaws that run through me like cracks through glass,
And not only see what God sees,
But be strong enough to help bring that part of me out.
Someone I can, in return, 
Help,
Uplift,
Serve,
Honour,
Love
In return.
The reminder this week has been one of hope.
An voice of encouragement to keep fighting, 
And keep running. 
"Therefore, seeing we also are compassed about with great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..."- Hebrews 12:1-2a.
Here's to hope.

1 comment:

Sarah K said...

Oh, Grace. Though you might not believe it, I totally understand. So very often I find myself in this same place. I feel like my heart is being torn, pulled apart by who I am and who I should be. But...

Jesus loves me, and when I can finally yield my dreams, my heart, to Him, he picks me up and holds me. Even though my heart is breaking, and I am ashamed of my lack of trust in my Creator ( my Savior!), I am able to both lay me down in peace, and sleep. He truly is the God of HOPE!! I love you Grace. :)