January 26, 2012

Saving The Date

(Well, fine, if you want to be specific, it was yesterday I actually decided it) 
I decided to take myself on a date. 
I wore a fun outfit...
...Saw this film...
...Spent some time with this guy...
...While enjoying some of this.
I felt a bit uncomfortable and little strange spending me time with myself,
But I felt the same way when I started doing yoga, and I've discovered that the only way to get used to it and to be able to appreciate the benefits is for me to make myself do it repeatedly until it's comfortable.
Perhaps once a month I'll treat myself to something nice.
At least until I stop feeling so exposed and guilty about it.
It's a bit silly, really: there's hardly anything selfish in enjoying the cinema and then reading poetry over tea and a perfectly baked croissant. 
So why do I feel like I've broken some sort of rule?
All that to say...
I've never cried so much at a movie in my entire life,
I love to drive on rainy days,
E E Cummings is marvelous company,
and that raspberry cream cheese croissant was wonderful.
Today was...

January 23, 2012


It is never a good idea
For someone like me
To try a sleep aid.
Because I usually end up looking like this...
...The entire day after. 
It happens even when I take Benedryl: anything that makes others drowsy is guaranteed to knock me right out and leave me feeling positively drugged the next day.
It's what I refer to as a "sleep hangover", because that's essentially what it feels like.
After one night of crazy, restless, up-all-night-pacing sleeplessness, I decided to take an over-the-counter sleep aid last night, rather than face a second night of waking torture.
I'm so "hung over" from it right now, I'm surprised I'm even writing a blog post: it's going to take a pot of black tea and maybe a nap of two for me to get to lunch at this rate. 
Never, ever, ever take a sleep aid
If you're hoping to do anything at all the day after. 

January 11, 2012

Vroom Vroom

First of all, I want to say a huge,
Thank you to all of you who commented on the last post, and offered encouragement and prayers.
I know I didn't really respond myself, because I wanted to do just one big thank you, complete with a giant hug, right here. I'm amazed and blessed that I can ramble, complain, and vent here, and receive the support and prayers of a group of people I've never met before. 
It reminds me that being a daughter of Christ means you've got a lot of sisters.
I can't express my thanks.
Things today were infinitely better.
It's amazing how something so simple as a driver's license, a car, a tank full of fuel, and a whole day with nothing to do, can make everything in the world seem right.
I absolutely love being able to drive around, go where I want to go when I want to go there, and not have to walk at least two miles one way to do it.
Nothing compares to the elation that comes with turning up your music as loud as you want, sipping a cup of Rooibos vanilla tea, and getting around town with ease and speed (and without your mother in the passenger seat, gripping the handle every time she feels even slightly nervous about your driving).
Right now, I'm zipping around in a 2001 Ford Focus that my sister- who has temporarily moved to Boston- is letting me drive.
It is so much easier to navigate, maneuver, and get around in than the mini van I've been learning and driving in up till now. 
Of course, the real blessing of today wasn't just my being able to leave the house at my leisure, but the fact that I think I may have gotten a job!
My good friend Brianne is currently working at a consignment store known as Plato's Closet, and a few weeks ago I put in an application. While I was selling some clothes to the store today, I asked the manager if he'd seen my application yet, and he sat me down on the spot for an impromptu interview! 
He made it sound like I'm hired, but he didn't say definitely, just that he needed to talk to his wife about the scheduling, followed by a "See you later!" and handshake.
I'm overjoyed!
This is exactly what I've been praying for, not to mention the job that I've really wanted since arriving home!
Hopefully this is God's plan and I will soon be employed and working as much as possible, earning my way to  college tuition. 
In the mean time, I'm going to have to stay calm.
My current plans to achieve this include a lavender bath...
...while reading up on my book club's latest novel...
...and (eventually) some more yoga and deep breathing.
God really has been so good to me, as I know He always will be.
How are the rest of you doing?
As always,

January 10, 2012

Failure To Fly

Having just arrived home from a therapy session, I have but one thing on my mind.
Eating Disorder.
Lemon cookies.
(Okay, so that last one has been lingering around the outer edges of my brain since Saturday when I baked a delicious batch of said eatables, and I'm painfully aware that I'm almost at the bottom of my supply. Hurm.)
I was planning on doing a post today about the joys of driving around, by myself, in a car, and yoga.
 My adventures thus far into the realm of deep breathing and long stretches, how much I love my bright blue mat, my embarrassingly tiny, tight, stretchy yoga shorts, etc.
I've begun to enjoy my daily yoga sessions, even if it is still awkward getting instruction from some pony-tailed chap on a DVD.
As to the driving, let's just say the music is loud, and the driver is grinning.
But I no longer feel like posting about yoga or motor-vehicle-propelled gypsy pursuits, and if this blog isn't about posting things that I would like to post, then I don't see the point in posting at all.
Right now, I'm just plain frustrated.
Frustrated with my family.
Frustrated with circumstances.
Frustrated with life.
Frustrated with this stupid, mind-manipulating, brain-devouring, life-consuming thing known to everyone else as "Anorexia", and to me as "A Living Nightmare."
Going to treatment, being in treatment, and leaving treatment were all so easy compared to the battle that is now applying treatment outside of treatment, and staying at a healthy weight. 
The voices in the my head- the ones that tell me I shouldn't eat, don't deserve to live, say I'm disreputable, unlovable, and hopelessly imperfect- were conveniently quieter when I was on the unit in New York. 
Now they've turned the volume back up, knowing that I have far less to fall back on .
The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I do have something to fall back on.
The greatest thing of all.
A gracious, heavenly Father who loved me enough to die for me, save my soul, and continually forgive me as I not only live in sin, but fight this extremely sinful monster that resides in my head.
Nothing is worse than feeling like I'm disappointing Him so much, so why even try to please Him at all?
Nothing is harder than ignoring those thoughts and continually asking for forgiveness, trying to trust Him with all of the variables and circumstances in my life that so frighten me, and attempting to remove and squash the things that are stealing the throne of my heart from Him.
I've heard it asked before "If you're a Christian, why do you have an Eating Disorder? Isn't that unholy or something?" 
This is often followed by "Do you think God did this to you on purpose?"
I have no good answer for the first, and no explanation for the second. 
Just a response that I need to trust Him.
Oh, how I feel like I am failing in the only real endeavor I am striving at!
The moments of prayer in which I hand everything over to Him are soon replaced by worries and a seemingly unquenchable panic that I am, and never will be, good enough, beautiful enough, strong enough, smart enough, thin enough, well enough, acceptable enough, clever enough...
If I am really quiet and still,
If I close my eyes and try to see through these threats, these poisoned arrows of doubt,
I hear a still, small voice telling me one thing...
How do I let go?
How do I rest in His arms, follow His commands?
If at first you don't succeed,
And try again.
(And have a lemon cookie with a cup of Earl Grey tea. That helps too.)

January 6, 2012

Watch Out

Guess what?
I just did.
This gypsy is on the move.

January 5, 2012

Winter (A Photo Contest)

Oh dear! 
Two posts in one day?
Only popping in to announce that the lovely Kels at A Ray of Sunshine is hosting a photo contest, and I (being an ardent admirer of both her blog and the contest's subject) am entering it.
The subject is Winter.
And here is my entry.
"Fly away"
P.S. Somebody else please look at these and drool as much as I just did!)



{All photos via Weheartit and Pinterest}
And so it continues.

January 4, 2012

A Spot of Random

My favorite topic, that wonderful, aromatic, heaven-sent creation:
I don't even need to reiterate to you, my readers, how much I adore tea.
Anyone who has been reading this blog is probably well tired of my obsessiveness by now.
Today was a particularly tea-ish sort of day. 
I was out quite late last night with Brianne and her boyfriend, Ryan, who was in town for a Christmas visit.
Brianne is going to college in a couple of weeks, and as our days for afternoon outings are quite numbered, we've been seizing with eager hands every opportunity to hooliganize the town before the fateful departure date.
I always have a blast with these two- yesterday was comprised of a visit to our favorite downtown coffee joint (The best place in Bosie for Hipster sightings is the Java coffee shop. Enough said), catching an evening viewing of Hugo (which is fantastic! You should definitely go see it if you can), eating gyros, and shopping. I am dreading the day Brianne leaves for Wisconsin.
However, what with all of the excitement and the ensuing night of restlessness and lack of sleep, added to the Winter gloom and chill of the great outdoors,I have been more grateful than usual today for the comfort of a nice, hot, cuppa. 
I am the only person in my family who sees fit to have  tea time every afternoon (However, the way my siblings eat you'd think it's always snack time!).
I somehow unwittingly upped the British factor this afternoon when I watched old Dr. Who (another one of my obsessions) episodes during my usual afternoon repast. 
This picture always makes me laugh.
I was given some yoga supplies for Christmas, and I've decided, as a sort of New Years resolution, to try doing some yoga every day.
I'm three days in and all I (and my muscles) can say is "Owwwww."
But on the bright side, I'm looking forward to knitting a spiffy carrier for my mat, much like this one.
I'm feeling a bit dotty, scatter-brained, and random today, so here's a picture of my lovely alarm clock. Is it not the cutest clock you've ever seen? 
I'm rather proud of it, as you can tell. 
Also, the pond by which I like to sit at the park each day has frozen over and is quite lovely and serene right now. 
Last week there were some chaps wandering across the ice, something I'm not anywhere near brave enough to try. However, on really cold days I'm still tempted to try and skate on it.
Oh dear, I'd better not ever again try and post when I'm this tired and sleep-deprived! 
I hope everyone's week is going splendidly, and the you all are getting enough sleep!

January 3, 2012

All you need is 
A cup of tea,
A quiet afternoon,
And a calm coffee shop
For everything to be right in the world.
(This message brought to you by 12. oz of Strawberry Chocolate Tea, and my local Moxie Java)

January 2, 2012

The Hunt

Clickity clickity
I'm on a very important mission.
The great college search.
Yes, I did this last year, and still didn't end up doing anything,
But this year is, and shall be, different.
This time, I'm,
Wait for it...
Of course, it might help if I actually knew what the heck I'm supposed to and/or want to do with myself.
Anyone who's been a reader here long enough knows my penchant for...unsurity.
I totally just invented a new word.
Musical theater.
Art Historian.
All of these labels are floating around in my head in a great, big, heaping mess, amid college names, financial information, and fragments of The Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll.
I'm a very confused, very overwhelmed individual at the moment.
A year ago, I was thinking more along the lines of this.
Today (and the past month or so), however, I've been feeling a little more like this.
I love history. 
...Colonial American history with a fondness for...
...The Revolutionary War.
The practical person in me leans much more heavily towards the topic of History, the prospect of being a historian, museum curator, historical librarian (Hello, Library of Congress!), and the like. The non-practical side of me likes the idea enough to heavily over-romanticize it. It has me picturing myself as a protector and guardian of the past, every once in a while jaunting off on an adventure that one might see in a National Treasure film. In reality, it's just a lot of dusty books, long hours spent sitting still, and a great deal of classification.
The practical me immediately starts to search for what one with a History degree could do.
Things like becoming an archivist.
(Yes, that is very much a picture of the Jedi Archives as seen in Star Wars. Yes, I'm a bit of a nerd. Don't be a hater.)
Other options include Art history, historical art and/or document conservationist, and a list of other things that probably don't sound as interesting to you as it does to me. 
And all the while, in the back of mind, I still have that bit of me that says "What about music?" and "What about drama? What about this?"
Which is immediately replaced by the recollection that I don't want to be placed in an arena that emphasizes so strongly the human body, and pushes for perfection in physical appearance. To a girl trying to recover from an eating disorder, that feels like walking straight into a trap.
Anyway, the point is I feel like I'm surrounded by options that all sound nice, but I have no idea if they are what I want to do or should be doing.
I keep praying about it, and I still feel answer-less, although that could be the impractical, over-romanticizing part of me again, expecting it to be written on the wall or revealed to me through a bolt of lightening in the head. 
The only thing that I think could be an indicator so far is how I keep ending up back at the University of Maryland's website as I investigate History majors, and heaven knows I'm probably doing that on purpose.
I really am a gypsy.
Who else out there is wandering through vocations like me?
Anyone doing any college searching?
I hope everyone's New Year was-and still is- fantastic. 
I was lucky enough to be able to dance the night away at a friend's party (held in a barn, complete with an entire professional sound-system and lights. Awesome!), and play hide-and-seek in the local Wal-Mart.
This is Idaho, y'all!
Do any of you have any resolutions?
If I come up with any, I'll be sure to let you know.
*conniving grin*