December 14, 2012

Positional Ambivalence

This is the part that I hate.
Finals finished
(And passed)
Bags packed,
Campus empty,
Dorms abandoned,
Semester (successfully) completed...
And now I wait.
I'm in a state of positional ambivalence:
Not quite all here,
And not quite home.
It's an indecisive longing that makes me curiously desire to have both at once.
I can't wait to be home,
But I don't want to leave.
This semester at school has been an amazing season of personal growth and learning,
And I am loathe to leave it behind.
But the comforts of home
-Family, friends, and my own bed-
 Beckon with so strong a pull I can't wait to embrace them all.
But until I do, 
I have to play the waiting game.
And it's a game I'll continue to play until I board that plane at 4:30 tomorrow
And truly begin my journey home.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."- Philippians 4:6
Patience is a virtue.

December 9, 2012

Things I Miss

I'm taking a break from my studying for finals
(Okay, I was knitting too, but I was also re-listening to a lecture!)
To reflect in Christmas-like glee over all of the things I've missed this semester.
I'm going to be home in a week,
And I'm anxiously awaiting it as only an over-tired,

Thing One: My family
{Photo creds to Marissa Dickey}
I never thought I'd say this,
But I really miss these crazy kids.
(Yes, my mother is included in the term "kids".)

Thing Two: The happy couple.
{Photo creds to Ryan}
Two weeks until the wedding, 
And this is one maid-of-honour who can't wait to see her best friend tie the knot,
And make her happiness complete.

Thing Three: My job
I love my job, I love my coworkers, and I can't wait to get a few hours in with both over break.


Thing Four: My church
It will be good to be back with my home church again,
And to catch up with all of the lovely people therein. 

Thing Five: My Stash
People, I don't think I can express in mere words the joy that a knitter,
Coming out of a near yarn-famine,
Feels upon being reunited with her fiber stash,
But the words "glorious" and "transcendent joy" come pretty close.
I may or may not end up sleeping with skeins of wool under my pillow.

Thing Six: My (not quite a collection of) shoes. 
Enough said.
(For the record, these aren't my shoes, I only wish that they were.)

Thing Seven: Baking
...And more baking....
...And more baking...
Then of course there's the usual list of things such as:
Hot tea (or cocoa) and knitting while watching Christmas films (or Planet Earth)
Sleeping In
Our Christmas tree, decked out in lights and semi-ancient, funky ornaments
Driving my 'lil white Ford Focus, Phil
Being reunited with Boise
Messenger and/or Pie Hole Pizza
Les Miserables and The Hobbit
And, y'know, spending Christmas and three-four weeks doing all of the above with a certain boy...
(I'm definitely introducing him to my shoes).
It's going to be a rather nerve-racking week to get through, 
But through the strength of God
(And not of myself)
I most certainly will. 
And in seven days I'll be sipping tea, 
Snuggled in my own blankets,
And gleefully plotting a bridal shower.
Lovely readers,
Merry Christmas,
And happy finals week.

December 3, 2012

Crunch Time

Two more weeks.
One until final exams,
Two until I step off campus with an entire semester
(Surreal though it seems)
behind me. 
How do I feel, might you ask?
...just about sums it up.
I'm in that overwhelmed place where Too much To Do meets Not Enough Time
Which is inevitably accompanied by Don't Know How,
And they all like to catch up over a steaming cup of worry, with some stressing out on the side.
But fellow university guinea pigs,
And we the overworked and under-rested:
There is hope!
The end is near
But I offer you a greater encouragement.
We need not do this alone.
These are just a few verses that have really been on my heart and mind lately.
With all of the crazy,
That has been going on,
I figure I'm not the only one who needs to refocus on the truths that really matter,
And the words that truly comfort.
So next time you begin to think...
Instead try remembering...
{All images found via pinterest}

November 22, 2012

Giving Thanks

I am thankful for a multitude of things.
This boy.
{Photo courtesy of Creat10ns Media}
Every day I'm a little more amazed by him.
He has fantastic taste in monster slippers, and surprised me with a pait. 
I sent this picture to a friend and was promptly informed that it was obvious God intended for us to one-day find each other.
I am so very blessed,
And so very twitterpated.

I am blessed with the theatrical experiences of this semester.
I love everything about stage,
From the costumes...
To the fellow cast-members...
To the director...
(Or, in this case, the director and her coach.)
To the funny nuances of the play process.
Here are some of my notes from the director.
A good "death sequence" indeed.
I miss messing about in stage blood almost as much as I miss the play.
Performance was a huge hit, and a huge blessing to many,
Including the cast.
(By-the-by, I love that lady in blue. I'm rather certain we were separated at birth or some such tomfoolery.)

I am thankful for the friends I have made here.
We were running amok through a middle school one Saturday, and decided to take pun shots poking fun at high school.
You know,
We are in college and everything.

I am thankful for the small moments,
Caught up 'midst the rush and whirl of college life,
Of small peace and joy.
I am blessed,
And I am thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving.

September 15, 2012

Matters of the Heart

Matters of the heart...
Those words just about sum up the past two weeks for me.
I'm constantly discovering and deciphering new things about the device at my core,
It's chambers and valves,
Pumping blood and emotion,
Desperately wicked, above all things,
And yet, above all things, marvelously redeemed. 
Consequently, the transpiring events have been of the greatest significance.
At least to me.

Thing One:
The band.

{Image courtesy of Creat10ns Media}
Yes, I'm in a band.
We recorded our first song last week, 
And the fantastic folks at Creat10ns Media spent this week making a music video for us.
Ladies and gentlemen, 
Readers and bloggers of all ages,
I give you Wolfhead. 
(Shameless advertising pitch: We do have a Facebook page, which you are more than welcome to visit and like.) 
Which brings me to...
Thing Two:
This boy.
Thaddeus Staton:
The mastermind behind the music,
And the greatest gift I have ever been given.
He's a genius,
Musically, creatively, and otherwise,
And in general pretty awesome.
{Image courtesy of Creat10ns Media}
I've suddenly found myself in the very curious position of wondering how I've possibly lived nineteen years
Without him.
For the sake of my readers, 
I'll defer my girlish delight and raptures and just say that I'm the happiest of humans,
And am greatly look forward to all of the music he and I get to create together in the future. 

Thing Three:
Another anniversary.
A year ago today I checked into the Eating Disorder Facility at NYSPI.
A year ago today, I moved to New York City and began, in great earnest, the hardest part of my journey to recovery.
A year ago today I weighed just under 90 lbs.
A year later, I'm not only beating the odds, and statistics greatly out of favor, B
ut am also being reminded of just how far I've come.
God is so good, and I just need to look around me to be reminded in a hundred thousand ways. 
I am enthralled by the amount of sky here:
It's as if the entire vault of heaven has been opened and spread out for our viewing pleasure. 
Truth be told, the view and weather isn't going to be like this much longer, 
And although I love Winter,
I still am trying to soak up every glorious drop of sunshine.
I hope your weekend is going as marvelously as mine!
Don't forget to be thankful.

September 4, 2012

A Higher Education

It's finally happened:
I'm officially a college student.
(As a side note, I had to backspace and retype the word "officially" four times to get the spelling correct. So much for graduating high school.)
After a year of trying to regain my health and attending the school of Life,
I have begun my first week at Northland International University,
And I'm loving it.
First of all, I live in the woods.
I sometimes am tempted to walk out into one of the fields and write simplistic essays in the vein of Thoreau, 
But my living in a dorm and attending classes in tall, air-conditioned buildings kind of negates that sentiment.
Campus is lovely.
I love waking up to fog in the morning:
It feels like home.
So far things have been very overwhelming,
Yet not at all hectic.
Trying to fall into a schedule,
Become accustomed to classes,
Complete assignments,
And be sociable can be a bit taxing,
But they somehow make it easy here.
On Sunday I went with an extension group to a church an hour or so away.
It was one of those stunning days with a vast, blue sky, and slight breeze.
After the service, the pastor took us down to Lake Michigan, where we waded for several hours.
I'm in love with the Great Lakes, how they are just reminiscent enough of the ocean to leave me quite happy.
(Translation: I spent two hours sloshing knee deep in water and squealing like a little girl.)
I could definitely live near one and be happy.
So far, the hardest part of college is probably breaking out of my box and getting to know other people:
Sitting down at a table with an empty seat,
And introducing myself.
I've found a few people who are crazy in a way similar to me,
And I have several I've already become quite close to.
In the short week that has already passed, God has already been directing my attention to serious areas of need in my spiritual life, most especially that of sheer reliance and rest in Him.
It seems that every time I turn around I'm ten miles from Christ and trying to walk through a marshy bog by myself. I'm so thankful that he seemingly never tires of rescuing me from myself.
I am blessed.
So as my days turn into a blur of classes,
Piano lessons,
Voice lessons,
Piano practice, 
Voice practice,
Choir practice,
Play practice,
And tests,
Blog posts may be few and far between.
However, I dearly hope to continue to throw words on here, 
And keep the world updated with my college adventures.
And if anyone wants to write me
(You all know how I love my snail mail, and to my blog-pen-pals out there that I already write, I have no intention of stopping now! *Evil grin*)
My address is
Grace Doolittle
Box #105 Northland International University
W 10085 Pike Plains RD
Dunbar, WI 54119-9285.
I hope to hear from you soon.

August 23, 2012

These Days

These days
Things are a whirlwind:
Somewhere between the normal 
And the hectic.
My brother's wedding was beautiful.
{Photo by Randy Lavorante}

Sophie's last picture as Ms. Tally.

{Photo by Randy Lavorante}
The bloke in the center is my brother,
A fact that didn't seem to stop the many cat calls and whistles we received as we marched back down the aisle.

I was finally able to meet my newest little nephew.
Huck likes what most infants like:
And occasionally shrieking
(Just to remind us all that he's there).

Now that all the family has left,
Gone back to their respective 
Things seem eerily quiet.
Preparations have begun for school:
Middle and high school for my siblings,
College for me.
It feels so surreal to be packing suitcases,
Buying dorm supplies,
Saying goodbyes to friends I never really thought I'd leave.
I have been so blessed this year:
Last Summer 
-Post graduation-
Should have been my last one before the proverbial "growing up" of college,
But it was spent battling an eating disorder,
And what little I remember are things I'd rather forget.
This Summer,
Has been everything I could have ever asked for and more.
It's been sunshine, adventures, music, friends, and all kinds of joy, many of them purely incandescent and entirely perfect.
God is good.
And for all this Summer's imperfect perfection, 
I am ready to move on into the coming school year
(Because let's face it, ready or not, it's coming).
And I'm not only excited 
(Nervous, and absolutely deer-in-the-headlights frightened)
About boarding that plane on Sunday,
I'm truly looking forward to it.
Summer may be over, 
But life has only just begun.
Also, I drew a barcode on wrist the other day, and I think it turned out rather nice.

August 16, 2012

Project Heal

One Year.
Three hundred and sixty five days.
A hundred thousand small moments and big tears.
How do you measure a year in a life?
A year ago,
 I stepped into my therapist's office for the first time and chose recovery.
A year ago, 
I saved my own life.
A year ago,
I chose recovery,
And set off on the hardest journey I've yet to make.
Sophie's sister,
 Is an exceptionally talented photographer,
And was more than happy to help me out with a celebratory photo shoot as a sort of therapy assignment.
This is what 365 days of life looks like.
This is my favourite dress. 
It is also too short for me to take to my college this Fall,
So I've been wearing it as much as I possibly can before I leave.
I sometimes almost always have trouble being serious.
Recovery is definitely a one-way, no stop road.
Mysterious and strange fireplace of stone,
Overgrown by weeds,
Covered in Ivy.
I swear it's a portal to an enchanted world.
So I did some ballet on top.
(This is an infinitely cooler duck pond than the one I sit at situated near my home.)
My recovery playlist includes:
1. Songbird: Jillian Edwards
2. God is Love: Innocence Mission
3. Thread: Trae Miller
4. The Cave: Mumford and Sons
5. Lions!: LIGHTS
6. This Is War: Ingrid Michaelson
7. Why Waste More Time: Rosie Thomas
8. I Was Made For Sunny Days: The Weepies
9. Whole Wide Word: Mindy Gledhill
10. Brielle: Adam Young
I love this lady, and can't wait for her to be my sister.
(Only two more days!)
Sophie once referred to me as being her girl crush. 
This is us flirting. 
Or something.
An eating disorder is a mask.
It covers up everything you don't want to see,
And distracts you from dealing with the things you don't want to do.
It's a way to hide and a way to cope.
I'm done with wearing masks. 
Recovery isn't fun.
Recovery isn't noble or valiant or an easy road to travel.
Recovery is letting yourself cry.
It's allowing yourself to be imperfect,
Realizing you don't have to be the best at everything,
Perfectly molded,
And perfectly poised
To be loved.
Recovery is accepting and moving on.
Recovery is falling apart,
And then more recovery.
Recovery isn't a road you walk alone.
There are friends,
A whole net of support there to catch you if,
And when,
You fall.
Recovery can only truly be achieved through the help and love of Jesus Christ.
It is He who recovers our souls and loves unconditionally.
It is He who heals and gives strength to carry on.
Recovery isn't easy,
But it's necessary.
And the farther I travel the more I begin to feel that it's worth it.
And so,
Am I.