December 7, 2011

Vanishing Act

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(Pardon the creepy mask picture. I really have no idea what's up with that.)
I have had this song stuck in my head for about a week now. It's usually the first tune I hum in the morning, and almost inevitably the last thing I think before I drop off to sleep. It's almost like a mantra, and I've begun referring to it as "Theme For Eating Disorder Recovery".
The saddest part is, this is how I feel all of the time.
Well, not all the time. But at least a good 85%.
I'd like to be able to say "Hey, that's a fifteen percent of you that doesn't feel that way!" yet I'm caught simply staring at that sad, struggling, more-than-half of me that doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and dreads putting on a pair of jeans.
What's probably worse is the fact that I know how simply contrary to a hundred different Psalms, Proverbs, and New Testament verses I'm being. I'm supposed to rejoice in the Lord. And instead I'm bogged down by such silly nonsense. Instead of being on the watch for sin, being thankful for all I have, and trying to use my time and myself wisely in the service of the King of Kings, I can't stand myself and I'm constantly watching for and wanting to avoid food and trying to make sure I don't avoid it like it's the plague.
I've got problems on a far deeper level that instigate these feelings, and make the eating disorder what it is. But facing those things and facing the fact that I can't be fixed scares me more than anything else (except spiders). Most days I feel like I'm defenseless and vulnerable against everything, but that can't possibly be true.
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"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him"- Psalm 28:7
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. "- Isaiah 12:2
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These are just a few of many, many verses that describe the strength and protection God provides for me, His omnipresence, and His trustworthiness.
How do you let go of everything that is bearing down on you, and simply find peace?
How can you go against every feeling and instinct that says "Be afraid! Be miserable!" and simply trust?
I'm trying and trying and I feel like I'm frantically grabbing at something that constantly eludes me.
And that same small voice that says "You shouldn't eat" begins to say "You're a failure" as well.
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, but I know that's not true either. For those of us on the side of Christ, the battle may be hard, but the war is already won. I just need to keep getting back up, continue to stand up to the blows and harsh words as they come, and keep trying to trust.
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye who hope in the Lord."- Psalm 31:24
You can't sit around waiting for it to happen.
You've got to go looking for it; you've got to try.
Vanishing isn't an option.

2 comments:

Rachel said...

you are so RIGHT ON.

those of us that fight this EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. have to cling to this thing of not being allowed to vanish. it's okay to be seen. imperfections and all, we are OKAY. we can be seen! we already are by Him. <3

i love you, precious one.

Jessica said...

i know exactly how you feel. some days i look at myself in the mirror and all i can think is how disgusting i look. i have a few extra pounds in a few areas, but other than that people tell me i look healthy, but still, i look at food as a bad thing. like i "should be string enough to resist that chip."

what we need to realize is, like you said, vanishing is not an option. we are beautiful, and we cannot allow society to have the right or the freedom to make us feel otherwise. He knew what He was doing when He formed us. (He also knew we would feel this way, so don't feel guilty when you stress about it.)

thanks for this! and that song was pretty cool ;) have a good day, beautiful.