December 25, 2011
December 23, 2011
December 17, 2011
I have a confession to make.
Deep down inside,
Past all of my insecurities,
Beyond all of the jokes and eye-rolls,
In the very depths of my gypsy heart and soul,
I wish I were a princess.
The tall, beautiful, sometimes cursed young woman of so many stories, both fairytale and factual, who is blessed with both aristocratic pedigree and parentage, a kingdom to rule someday, and a fabulous wardrobe or three full of every kind of outfit, shoe, and accessory.
A well-bred girl of opportunity, class, and unmistakable elegance.
But there is so much more to these royal aspirations than just glass slippers and gilded rooms.
A princess is born with not only the opportunity but the responsibility to care for others and make a difference in their lives.
To uphold a kingdom and make good decisions.
Rule in fairness, equality, and wisdom (not to mention style!).
Of course, the perks that come with the title aren't so bad either.
(Yes, the above photo is referring to the fine collections of china and tea that I would posses.)
But the funny part is...
I already am a princess:
I am a daughter of the King of Kings.
I have a curse and story to make even the most popular storybook princess green with envy:
The curse of sin and my separation from my Father as I live here on earth.
I will someday go home to a wonderful kingdom, wear a glorious tiara, and even have a fantastic singing voice to boot.
I have a mansion being prepared for me.
I will cast that tiara at the feet of the King.
I will spend eternity singing praises to God.
I look forward to an eternity better than any of the Disney princesses ever had, and a truer Love than was ever shared in true love's kiss.
And, despite my even stronger protests and denials about marriage and the like, every once in a while, during a day dream or sleep, I find myself longing for the greatest part of every fairy tale.
Wishing for that other piece of my royal story that comes before making it home to the Kingdom of Eternity.
Hoping for the dreamiest (usually) part of the tale to come ...
(and finally admitting it)
I'm a daughter of the King of Kings.
I wear a crown that can never be stolen, broken, or tarnished.
I'm- both in my heart, imagination, dreams and in God's eyes- a princess.
December 7, 2011
(Pardon the creepy mask picture. I really have no idea what's up with that.)
I have had this song stuck in my head for about a week now. It's usually the first tune I hum in the morning, and almost inevitably the last thing I think before I drop off to sleep. It's almost like a mantra, and I've begun referring to it as "Theme For Eating Disorder Recovery".
The saddest part is, this is how I feel all of the time.
Well, not all the time. But at least a good 85%.
I'd like to be able to say "Hey, that's a fifteen percent of you that doesn't feel that way!" yet I'm caught simply staring at that sad, struggling, more-than-half of me that doesn't even want to get out of bed in the morning, and dreads putting on a pair of jeans.
What's probably worse is the fact that I know how simply contrary to a hundred different Psalms, Proverbs, and New Testament verses I'm being. I'm supposed to rejoice in the Lord. And instead I'm bogged down by such silly nonsense. Instead of being on the watch for sin, being thankful for all I have, and trying to use my time and myself wisely in the service of the King of Kings, I can't stand myself and I'm constantly watching for and wanting to avoid food and trying to make sure I don't avoid it like it's the plague.
I've got problems on a far deeper level that instigate these feelings, and make the eating disorder what it is. But facing those things and facing the fact that I can't be fixed scares me more than anything else (except spiders). Most days I feel like I'm defenseless and vulnerable against everything, but that can't possibly be true.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."- Joshua 1:9
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him"- Psalm 28:7
"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. "- Isaiah 12:2
These are just a few of many, many verses that describe the strength and protection God provides for me, His omnipresence, and His trustworthiness.
How do you let go of everything that is bearing down on you, and simply find peace?
How can you go against every feeling and instinct that says "Be afraid! Be miserable!" and simply trust?
I'm trying and trying and I feel like I'm frantically grabbing at something that constantly eludes me.
And that same small voice that says "You shouldn't eat" begins to say "You're a failure" as well.
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, but I know that's not true either. For those of us on the side of Christ, the battle may be hard, but the war is already won. I just need to keep getting back up, continue to stand up to the blows and harsh words as they come, and keep trying to trust.
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye who hope in the Lord."- Psalm 31:24
You can't sit around waiting for it to happen.
You've got to go looking for it; you've got to try.
Vanishing isn't an option.
December 3, 2011
I'm sitting here, December 3 (*insert frantic yelp followed by jaw-drop* Time flies!), and pining heavily for snow.
(Of which their is neither sign nor hope of. But I can dream.)
The days have all been blending together for me for the past ten or so days.
I'm stuck at home much of the time, and I'm not going to lie, most of the time I feel like I'm going crazy or about to lose it. I'm not allowed to walk around, and I'm working on getting my driver's license, but it's not like I can practice driving when everyone in the house aged twenty-one or older is at work. I've been looking for a job and loafing around the house much of the time, and I'm beginning to feel like a very (very) large animal (elephant?) stuck in an ever-shrinking cage (that was only meant for a dog in the first place). I also feel like all I ever do is eat, which I know isn't true (just the three meals and one snack, and the portions that I'm required to have), but the disorder- and Satan- are taking huge advantage of my present state of handicapped mobility and are messing with my head and emotions more than ever before. Please pray that I get a job or my driver's license soon!
I created a list at the beginning of the week, comprised of fun or useful things I could do during the long daylight hours. I completed the list sometime on Thursday, and have since been on the prowl again.
I'm relatively sure I'm going to hurt myself if this goes on much longer.
Anyway, the highlight of the week so far was Thursday afternoon: my fabulous, lovely, and much-loved friend, Brianne (To Twirl A Mustache)...
...came by and we went on the town.
We haven't seen each other since I left in mid-September, so it was a fantastic, fun reunion.
We wound up doing a good dose of shopping at Plato's Closet (where she works), and then running to Downtown Boise for coffee at our favorite coffee-spot, Java, and then eating a delicious, fancy-fied dinner at The Melting Pot, a fondue restaurant.
(If you've no idea what that's like, imagine a pot of melted cheese at your table, into which you dip bread bits, apple chunks, and veggies).
It was so yummy! We ate every last bite.
Then we went out to World Market, Barnes and Noble, and the mall (I may or may not have gotten a third ear-piercing while we were there...), and had a fabulous time with it all.
I loved seeing downtown Bosie (quite a change from Time's Square, what I consider to be "Downtown Manhattan.) lit up with Christmas lights, and the giant tree in the middle of everything.
Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I'm a Winter and Christmas junkie. It's my absolute, definite favourite time of year. If the reason for the Holiday-the celebration of the birth of Jesus- wasn't enough for celebration, it's so merry, cosy, bright, and cold.
Yes, that's right: I love cold weather!
I always feel at my most creative during the Winter.
I knit more.
I draw more.
I twirl on the icy roads outside after it's snowed.
I just love Winter!
So besides being under house arrest, I've felt a little more chipper due to the change of seasons, as well as the fun decorations we currently have up.
What's your favorite season, and what's your favorite part of Winter?
I'm trying to think snowy thoughts and stay occupied-any ideas?- and I may take advantage of the weekend by taking my little sister to the park around the corner since she's home.
Hopefully your week is going better than mine!