As it happens, I've become a horrible, no-good, lazy blogger whilst being here in "food rehab."
But I have an excuse!
They somehow manage to keep me busy in an active sense for probably a little more than half the day.
So what on earth am I doing with that other little-less-than-half of my day?
It's all in my mind.
A good deal of recovery- in fact, a good deal of the disorder itself- has all to do with "rewiring" my mind: the way I think, the thoughts I have, my perceptions, my self-image.
As you can probably imagine, it's exhausting in a manner that I'll refer to as "emotionally" for lack of a better term.
However, with our seemingly packed schedule of groups and therapy that happens daily, they compensate for how little time we get truly to ourselves by compiling what they think is our due, and dumping it on us all at once over the space of two days. More specifically, on Saturday and Sunday.
What probably sounds wonderful to you (I mean, two days of complete laziness and lack-of-structure? What's not to love?!) is actually a bit of a nightmare to us.
Those of use who aren't at a level that permits us to leave the building and roam unaccompanied all day are forced to sit inside and twiddle our thumbs for hours on end. Occasionally we can guilt one of the staff into taking us out to Rite Aid (the epitome of thrilling!) or, the real adventure that requires a trip up to the Bronx on the underground, to Target. Sunday afternoons Lawrence, the recreational therapist, comes around and takes us for an hour or so to go exploring.
We are also allowed to have two cups each of caffeinated coffee and/or tea both of these Mondays. However, the treat is a bit spoilt when it has to be accompanied by an Ensure Plus, as in my case.
I honestly don't mean to complain, because it's across these two days that the bulk of my musing and overall improvement occur. With all of this free time on my hands, I have nothing to do but think about the therapy sessions I've had, the topics and lessons we've had in our CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) groups, as well as the other gatherings and discussions that are sprinkled throughout the day.
I think what makes the weekend hardest for me is an ever-increasing case of cabin fever.
I am absolutely dying to get out and see the city!
So much so that it's becoming unbearably tempting to apply for the highest level- the one that allows us out on meal and leisure passes on our own- even though I don't think I'm quite ready to take on the challenge yet. I don't want to eat a meal by myself and find the rest of the day is ruined because I can do nothing but think about it/food/how miserable it makes me feel about myself. I want to be able to deal with and ignore my obsessive thoughts and any other behaviors before I venture out by myself. But the tantalizing sights, the promises of adventure, all beckon so strongly I'm hard pressed to say no.
So to stop myself from taking action, I've been praying that the Lord will make it clear to me when I should apply for the next level, and am, in the mean time, compiling a list of the places I want to go (keeping it as low cost as possible. So far, the only cost to access these places is the $2.50 it takes to ride the underground). Because I need to have meals planned in advance before each trip out, I'm hoping to one day do a You've Got Mail trip with my older sister (who's living in Boston). We're going to visit as many of the places as possible that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan go in the movie, and I'm personally hoping to eat lunch in the Cafe Lazlo.
(By the way, if you haven't seen You've Got Mail, you need to drop what you're doing and go watch it. It may be the cutest film ever.)
What have you all been up to since my last post? I've made many forays into the blog-o-sphere this weekend, making sure to get as caught up on what's going on with you as possible. Have any of you visited NYC? What are some suggestions for spots I ought to see?
Hoping you all have a great upcoming week!