September 18, 2011

In Which She Goes Off On A Tangent

Let me start by saying how much I love, adore, value your comments.
I know it may not seem that way because I don't seem to comment back too often, or even comment on your blogs, but it's so important for each of you who take the time to follow my ramblings, and then proceed to comment on them, that I do read every single one.
And they not only make my day, but they give me some of the greatest encouragement and the biggest smiles.
And as to my lack of commenting on other blogs: know that if I'm following you, then I'm reading nearly all of your posts. I seem to be a failure at posting my thoughts or comments about them on the blog, but I do read the posts, and they do affect me in so many ways.
So thank you.
Now let me say how thankful I am to be in this place.
It's not easy (Well, meals have actually been one of the easiest parts so far, as eating regular portions was a battle I'd begun to triumph over shortly before coming), and it's definitely going to get harder as I get into the next stage-weight gain- and beyond.
But it is such a beautiful, growing kind of pain and struggle.
It is one that I can, because of the atmosphere and focus, hand over to God and really focus on correcting and overcoming.
It's rather ironic: all of the things I do here are considered "obsessive" outside: constantly thinking about food, always working and focusing on my eating disorder and ways to overcome it.
But in here, it is what I'm supposed to do.
I'm here to focus on getting better, and it's such a relief to find that it's okay to spend large chunks of time writing about my thoughts, exploring my feelings and motives, and designing and creating ways in which to overcome Vanity.
I already feel like I've made progress, and even though I'm in the medical stabilization (which doesn't mean a whole lot, it's just the first week you're here and getting settled in before they start chucking large amounts of food into you), I've already gained a little weight each day.
And I'm actually extremely excited and-dare I say happy?- about it!
What I also love about being here is the amount of time I have to spend in God's word: studying it, praying, memorizing it, learning about Him.
I've even caught myself occasionally thinking of this as a vacation with Christ.
Now, my main point of writing today was to touch on the last comment I made in my previous post.
About hugging your mother and thanking God for her.
Well, I can't emphasize this enough.
I was aware before I came in just how important and fantastic my own mum has been through this all, but as I witness the lives of those around me, catch bits of their phone conversations as they speak with their mothers, and talk to them about family, I am truly coming to see how blessed I am.
My mother has been one of my greatest sources and motivation throughout all of this.
She has been the perfect blend of understanding, sound advice, motivation, and has almost instinctively known what to say and not say, how and when to push and how and when not to.
I am in awe at how fantastic she is, and how much I love her.
I also miss her terribly, and flatter myself that-surrounded by a houseful of my brothers- misses me too.
So as I cannot turn around and give my mum a hug right now, I wish that you would turn around and hug yours instead.
I should probably get off the computer now and let someone else have a turn, even if the entire unit isn't awake yet and breakfast is in a half an hour. I look forward to today- I'm going to get a recording in my inbox at some point today, from my church of today's sermon- and I especially look forward to this coming week: on Wednesday I'm officially allowed to go up to level three (weight gain) and end this sort of limbo I've felt I've been floating in the past few days. I'm admittedly anxious- maybe overly- to truly start getting better in as many forms and actions as possible. Nervous as I may be about facing larger meals, I'm confident that Christ will carry me through it and that I will get better.
Love to you all, thank you for the many many prayers, and have a fantabulous Sunday.


Rachel said...

beautiful, dear one.


Chad and Jessica's Family: said...

I am a bad commenter too. I think your attitude is wonderful, Grace!!! Keep it up. Your mother sure loves you. :) I think she is so sweet! You are indeed blessed with your big and loud family! LOL!!! Take care!!!

Mrs Argon/Jessica I feel old when I write Mrs A. because you are not that much younger than I!!!

Kaley Grace said...

Graaaace. I *love* reading your blog. I'm blessed by the way you manage to encourage your readers in all of your posts!! What are you memorizing right now? I often put scripture memory on the back burner, but it is SO SO comforting... I've found out that the verses you memorize and review over and over again are the ones that'll leave the deepest impression on you.

lots of love <3