September 15, 2011


I am embarrassed.
No, this is no new sensation for me:
Seems like most of my life I've been embarrassed about something.
In fact, as number four of eight kids, I kind of believe it comes with the territory:
If I'm not embarrassing myself, there's about seven other people (not including parents) who can do it for me.
But if there's one thing I've learned today, it's that embarrassment isn't necessarily a bad thing, nor is it something you should be feeling either.
Here I am, blessed enough to have arrived at this hospital facility safely and with hardly any hitches to speak of, I'm all checked in a settled, and I am ridiculous enough to feel embarrassed.
About what?
Well, about things that every other person (all nine or ten of them) are all dealing with, or have likely dealt or will deal with, and are overcoming.
The greatest feelings of embarrassment have come from my feeling absolutely clueless about the way things work here, being here at all (I lie: this hasn't been a huge problem. I am genuinely relieved, happy even, to be here.), getting adjusted. Honestly, I should be spending less time and energy on being embarrassed and more on getting better, paying attention to the therapists, and trying to work out this funny thing called my head (not to mention the ultimate goal: defeating and permanently evicting Vanity from my mind).
But the greatest embarrassment was today after a very emotional lunch and "processing session" (a few minutes after each meal in which we discuss how it went, what we thought and felt, any obstacles we faced, and how we dealt with or overcame them), I was struck with a sudden, gut-wrenching dose of home-sickness.
I have no idea where it came from- I had a small cry-out last night and thought, at the time, "Well, that was that and I should be fine now."
But it wasn't.
So I sat in the group room, while everyone else was doing yoga (it's only my first real day here so I'm not permitted to take that class until I've cleared medical stability level), and bawled like a baby. I pretended, because of this embarrassment, that it was from the book I was reading. At the time, it seemed a plausible excuse.
Looking back, anyone who had seen me would never have been fooled.
But why was it embarrassing?
Why was I feeling humiliated for missing my home, my loved ones, especially my mother, who has been my greatest support in all this?
What was there to feel silly about?
Missing home, missing family: these are all signs that I come from a loving house and environment, as annoying as my siblings can be. This is something that I am so very lucky to have.
So embarrassed?
Now I am ashamed.
There is nothing to feel humiliated over when it comes to missing and loving your family.
It's a feeling that will pass or simply become easier to bear.
But for now, I suddenly don't mind crying in front of the others.
It reminds me that I am human, and that I am loved.
And both of those are important.
What's more important is remembering that I am not completely without family here: I have a wonderful and loving heavenly Father watching over me, holding my hand, cheering and strengthening me along the way.
He is all I could and ever will need, and He has put me here for a reason.
So I will no longer feel lonely.
Instead, I will channel all of my thoughts and energy into getting better so that I can get back home where there is comfort, and love, and familiarity.
I will continue to eat all of my meals, and listen (through ears screened by scripture and with a mind screened by prayer) to what the therapists say, what the other girls discuss, and try to be helpful and be healed.
I think what will really help most of all is reaching that level where I am allowed to go out into the city, or even outside, accompanied by an attendant, for fresh air (I think I get to do that tomorrow! I've eaten 100% of my meals today, which is the requirement for that pass). I kind of feel like a cooped up bunny in here, which I believe is the point: a sort of motivation to do well that way you can get the heck outside to breathe a little.
Anyways, everything is going smoothly here, and I already feel- although 24 hours feels like three days- that I've learned some things. It's only the beginning of what is going to be a very long journey, but I think that if I look at it as an adventure and not as a walk to the gallows, I'll find myself improving vastly and quickly.
I miss so many people already, but I'm determined to "stay strong in the Lord and in the power of His might."
Cheerio, all, and goodnight!
Also, dont' forget to hug your mother.
She's an amazing person.


Lauren said...

I realize that I hardly ever comment, but I wanted you to know that your blog is one I read every time you post; you're probably the most honest blogger I've ever encountered, and because of that, I feel as if I know you! You're such a precious soul, and I'm praying for you as you go on this journey! I'm glad that you'll continue updating us all on how you're doing :)
~Lauren :)

Lily said...

Grace, I've never been through what you are going through right now....and I know my words don't make much difference. But I just want you to know that you are SUCH an inspiration to me. I'm continuing to pray for you, my dear, and I know God's going to do some amazing things through you while you're in New York.

love you always,

Rachel said...

oh, my dear one. as i read this, my heart wept for you. and i wept for you. i miss you, this is true, but OH, this is right for you.

you are precious and beloved and i adore you, my best friend. my prayers rise and rise and rise for you.

Emily Rose said...

I know how it feels to be homesick, it's an unpleasant feeling. I'm praying for you Grace, and always remember: You never have to feel ashamed, or embarrassed. It's OK to miss your loved ones, and the friends around you will understand.:)

kimberly said...

I am so thankful to know that our Heavenly father is with you and leading you through this time! He is so faithful, and you show so much strength in Him! Praying for you, as always.

mamaforhim said...

And I will hug your mother too! It won't be anything like yours because nothing is like a daughter's hug!

Remember Elisabeth Eliott: " do the next thing" (I know she quoted this from someone else, but don't remember who)

Don't worry about eating all your meals, just sit in the chair. and then start doing what right thing comes next and next and next, even if it's one bite and one prayer at a time!

Traci said...

Just wanted you to know how very proud of you I am! You are an amazing woman. Continue to focus on God first and trust in Him and Vanity will have no choice but to flee! :) Continuing to pray for you. Feel free to email me anytime if you can!