The past two or three days I've felt a good deal like a chicken that's lost is head yet still running around.
This feeling of chaotic panic stems from some very good news, though:
I am officially leaving for New York on Tuesday!
I received a phone call Wednesday afternoon informing me that a bed would be available in the clinic next Wednesday, and that I was next in line for it.
Chaos has since, invariably, ensued.
I now have less than a week (three days, to be exact) to be packed, have plane flights all planned and purchased, and ready to spend who-knows-how-long in a hospital facility in New York.
So you'll have to forgive me for both my lack of blog updates, and my general current case of scatterbrained consciousness. I'm not really sure where I put my brain, but I set it down somewhere and can't seem to find it.
If you happen to stumble across it, could you please let me know? I rather like having it around, and it is a bit imperative that I recover it as soon as possible.
Yesterday was spent mostly wandering about in a daze. When faced with pressing times and matters like this, I usually tend to go into a state of the most frustrating procrastination that is tinged by a willful refusal to care. Thankfully (and only by God's grace) I've been able to shake that off today, and have been facilitating the use of the empty house, my ample free time, and a huge legal pad of paper to plan my packing list and start cleaning and putting things away.
In my fondest wish and dream, I recover quickly and find myself home on Thanksgiving, ready and willing to partake of turkey goodness (even though I hate turkey) surrounded by the love of my family and enjoying my favorite holiday and season where everyone should: at home.
However, in reality, it will probably be sheer luck if I'm home in time for Christmas.
Wait, I lie: there is no luck involved here. God knows exactly what is happening, and how long I shall remain there. And it is this thought that brings me the greatest comfort and peace. It is knowing that God's hand is in this that uplifts me as I'm tempted to worry about plane tickets and their prices, what to bring, what to pack up in boxes that's being left at home, and how to prepare myself as a witness of Christ for this journey.
I do like to think of this as stepping out in faith, not only because I have no clue what' going to happen, but because I am going into a place where I will be surrounded by people who don't know Christ, and are struggling with the same thing I am. I have a Savior who has helped me and will continue doing so, and I want to show others the Strength and Peace that they need to truly overcome not only an eating disorder, but all of the sins and troubles of life.
Right now there are but a few things that trouble me:
1. What on earth am I going to do about all those Sundays? There is no church I can and could go to; the facility is not only locked-door for the patients (me!), but I don't know of any even if I could get out. What I think I will do is have my pastor send the recording of his sermons each Sunday, that way I can still be under solid teaching. I refuse to let Satan use this time as a means to drive me further from God than I already am.
2. Books. I can only take so many! I mean, depending on the airline I fly with, each bag will be $30 or more, so I should be taking only the essentials. But good literature is an essential! I've told myself I'm allowed to bring two novels, but then I keep trying to sneak around that rule by picking two of poetry, a couple non-fiction, a handful of historical fiction...you get the idea. This could be a nightmare.
3. Yarn and knitting needle limitations.
See above note about lack of bag space, room space, and impending, nightmarish, doom.
4. Blogging. Although I'm allowed to bring and use my laptop and the internet, I don't know what all is allowed blog and social networking wise. I'm not allowed to use my webcam for things like Skype (unless off the site), and that is mostly to protect the privacy and confidentiality of the other patients. So will blogging be out too? That's my next question to the social worker I've been put in contact with there.
All of the other big problems- and even these little ones as well- are resting in God's hands, though. I trust him completely and utterly, and I know He has some grand design and scheme. He loves to show us how great His mercy and how clever and perfect His designs are, so if I let go and trust then I am sure to be amazed.
Well, on that note, I don't think I ever cease to amazed by Christ.
Everything about Him is spectacular and wonderful!
So I had better now stop rambling, and get back to the chaotic drudgery (How's that for a paradox!) of planning and packing up.
Thank you again and again and again for your prayers and comments during this whole process of getting in to this facility!
I honestly don't think any of you can ever know how uplifting it is to know that there are others praying for you and willing you on in Christ until you've had the great privilege of experiencing it.
I promise to post my new address on here as soon as I confirm it, that way anyone who wants to can snail mail me, and I shall be more than delighted to snail mail back.
(If there's one thing I'm leaving room for it's stationary and stamps!)
I fervently hope that you all are able to find great encouragement in Christ through these words and the things I post here. The entire point of my deciding the put my struggle on here for others to read- scary though it is- is so that maybe I can be a light for Christ, a living story of my failures and frustrations as I deal with Vanity and Satan, as well as a book of the great successes and joys that come through leaning on Christ. It's never easy to trust Him fully- I often fail and find myself trying to follow my own "wisdom"- but there is one verse in particular that has been capturing my thoughts again and again.
There is something so comforting and yet so challenging in this verse.
And it is a comfort that I claim and a challenge I daily rise to meet.
Walk by faith, dear friends, and never by sight.
Lots of hugs and a great dose of excitement: