I can't believe it's been a week.
And a long week at that.
I'm living in a place where twenty-four hours feels much more akin to twenty-four days.
This is a feeling that is emphasized on the weekends, when we have no real planned groups or activities to fill our hours. The hectic, scheduled moments of the weekdays bring everything into a balance, though, and even the feelings out considerably.
And speaking of feelings, I don't think it's possible to spend any more time and energy on and in emotion than we do here. Everything seems to be about exploring feelings, analyzing them, understanding them, overcoming them...it's emotionally exhausting!
And yet, at the same time, it's fantastically encouraging and eye-opening. I can hardly believe some of the things I've learned about myself, my disorder, other people, even my faith. It's astounding! And the progress I've made is already becoming apparent to me, at least.
As it has been a week for me, I am officially allowed to request a pass to the "next level" (Level III) in which I am permitted to go accompanied off the unit. I also, today, had my first calorie increase. Surprisingly enough, I've hardly noticed and have actually been excited about it. Thus far I've had the sensation that I've been hanging in a limbo- not making any significant food changes (although making a lot of psychological progress) and not involved in any researches- and thus kind of just...floating.
But I did start a research, and I am starting to eat more. This hardly signifies anything, as even on the lower count I've gained some weight, a fact that has made me ecstatically excited and happy.
The research I'm currently doing involves my being hooked up to an activity monitor for 48 hours. The monitor is a little square box from which extends several wires that have little tab-like things attached. I have to have the wires and tabs taped to me in several spots, including the bottoms of my feet, and I have to wear an arm-band. The monitor is calibrated to my specific body, and will keep a sort of log, I suppose, on my energy levels, how much activity and movement I do, etc. I have to wear it, even during my sleep, until Friday, then I'm going to be doing a test at some point that involves my making choices between physical exercise or an equal amount of time spent doing an activity of leisure, and then a similar one involving choices between exercise and monetary gain. It's really difficult to explain, but the gist of it is that they are trying to understand how anorexia affects our choices and our minds.
The one similarity between all the tests and all of the research that they do here, as far as I can tell, are that they all seem to involve drawing exasperating amounts of blood.
I feel like every time I turn around someone is sticking a needle in my arm and filling little tubes with the red liquid which helps keep me alive. I'm pretty sure by the time I've left here I'll have had enough blood drawn to start a blood bank, and there will be a series of small, semi-permanent bruises in the crook of my arm.
The one greatest delight of the week, however, was yesterday's mail delivery.
In it were two very unexpected letters from friends in the outside world.
I can't even describe in words how wonderful it was to see my name printed on an envelope, to receive mail, to read the precious and uplifting notes therein. Thank you to those who are sending letters! You don't know how much they mean to me, and the way they brighten my day!
I've begun to try and get all of my things settled in, and my room organised. In a way, it's almost like being in a college dorm. I finally got my brain to grasp the fact that I'm going to be here for a couple of months, not weeks, and I'm now wishing I had things like pictures, books, and little knick-knacks (even though I'm not really a knick-knack person) to put up, to make it more comfortable, to make it more...me.
The one thing I really wish I had right now, for some reason, are stickers.
I'd forgotten how much I love stickers, and now all of the sudden, all I want is a big bunch of them to put on my board, on my folder, on my wall, on papers.
I really wish I had a lot of stickers.
I'm probably going to have to add this to the list of things I want my mom to ship me...
Speaking of mothers, please pray for mine and my family as we are all facing stressful times right now. I know that a lot of things are happening back home that are hard on everyone, and I wish that there was some way I could be there to help. The next few days are going to be rather hard, I believe, but I am trusting in God, as always, to keep us afloat, protect, and lead us.
He never fails, and I know He never will. What a confidence booster that thought is!
I think that sometimes God throws all of these curve balls at once- those times where every time you turn around there is a new trouble or strain waiting to swallow you whole- to remind us how dependent on Him we truly are. Every breath, every moment, we are nothing without Him. Yet how easily we forget Him and look to ourselves for help: how quickly we uplift and esteem our own plans and opinions above that of the God of the Universe, our own King and Father!
To be honest, I don't have too much to ramble about today. I feel so drained of meditations and philosophies and deep thoughts, merely because that's all I seem to have spent every second of the past week dwelling and musing over.
My spare moments in between sessions and meals are spent writing, reflecting, praying, and reading my Bible.
One great joy of this past week was learning that my roommate is saved, and then my roommate's leading another one of the girls here to the Lord.
There will be triumphs here indeed!
I have to rush off to a group in a little bit -"Interpersonal Effectiveness"- so I will bid cheerio to all of you, my lovely readers and followers, and once again hint at how much I love receiving snail mail (Hint hint hint!) and how much I appreciate the prayers and comments.
Be strong in the Lord.
And have a wonderful Wednesday!