August 23, 2011

Unscripted

I have spent all day wondering how long I could put off this post, but I suppose there's no avoiding it any longer.
For starters, let me mention that this post is part of Rachel's Draftless challenge, over at Dramatic Elegance.
Now I love the entire idea that centers around this challenge: no planning, no thinking, no editing, just sit down and write.
But my problem with today is that there has been so much brain activity going on, that it seems currently impossible to switch it off.
I'll say right now that my phone call with New York went well. As long as I can come off the Prozac prescription I have been taking for a little over a month and a half, I'll be accepted. However, I need to have the medication mostly out of my system before I go, which could take at least a couple of weeks. While this does give me time to prepare and pack and think about plane tickets etc, it also puts me in a dangerous position in that I have no idea how much lower I can go and not need serious medical help.
So I'm not going to redouble my efforts: I'm going to triple them.
And that has already nearly sent me over the edge of a number of occasions today.
I can feel Vanity putting up a huge fight every time I even think about food, yet always lingering by making sure it's the only subject that occupies my mind. 
But thank the Lord for His strength and help!
I was able to make myself eat what I call a "regular lunch" (Pita bread with a hard boiled egg in it. It was something I was taking to work, but Vanity has recently started trying to oust that off the menu as well), and am at this moment making sure I eat my prescribed snack (In this case, garden fresh veggies and, because I'm feeling a little bit brave, three home-made cheese-its), along with some iced peppermint tea. Only when I made the tea earlier I wasn't considering the fact that I may be hit with one of my cold spells, which I have been, yet I refuse to let the tea go to waste. So I'm sitting here, typing away, bundled up in one of my latest hand-knit sweaters and pairs of socks...drinking iced tea.
Oh, I'm so pathetic.
The hardest part about today, though, hasn't been the challenges of eating, the nerve-wracking phone call, or the long spell of musing on how it's actually happening: I'm flying to New York to go to a hospital and get better. Nor has it been the long, tiring afternoon during which I've been struggling to get my mind to work properly, get myself to keep moving, and persuading myself that I need to eat.
No.
The hardest part about today was walking up to my work and having to hand in my two weeks notice.
This isn't saying I know that I've only got two weeks until I'm leaving.
It's just that since I don't know when I will be going, and I've decided to deny Vanity any extra chances to sap my energy and burn calories- since I don't do a good job standing up to her at mealtimes- it is only courteous to give my boss the respectful amount of warning time due her.
But it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I love my job.
I don't want to leave.
Have I ever really talked about where I work?
I work in a wonderful little tea shop. It has a restaurant that serves delicious food, a gift shop full of goodies, knick-knacks, and jewelry, and a wonderful wall of teas available for purchase in bulk. 
But besides all this, I work with a fantastic staff of friends and have a wonderful boss; a christian woman who is at once an excellent business person, and a good friend. 
I don't want to leave any of this.
But I have no choice.
So I wrote the letter, and tearfully handed it in. 
She (my boss, Tami) was-and has been-so encouraging and understanding about all of this from the start, and knowing that I have to leave such a blessed and wonderful job and work-force is breaking my heart.
However, I know that God is taking care of me, and that this is all in an effort to get better. I also know that, if there is a position available when I return, I will be welcomed back onto the staff with open arms. But that doesn't make this any less of a hardship to do. I think I may have cried most of the walk home. 
I'm so ready to evict Vanity for good. 
So ready to be like everyone else on a 98 degree day: sweating and uncomfortably hot, instead of balled up in sweaters and socks, and too tired to even pull out her laptop to put up a blog post.
Okay, enough complaints about me.
How are all of you?
Can you please inform me, in that lovely comment box that is conveniently located at the end of this post, about your life? Who all is starting school? College? I know I haven't been able to keep up with my readers as much as I would like to recently, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in what you all have going on. 
In the mean time, I'm going to go curl up and read for a bit, and go look for an extra pair of socks. 
Don't forget to check out Rachel's challenge (And sorry this post is so rambly and weird: not being allowed to go back and rearrange/edit things- just sitting down and typing madly away- is not necessarily a good mix with me. You'll probably be seeing a long post on yarn or tea or books tomorrow, as that's what's usually on my mind). 
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8 comments:

Lily said...

still praying for you, dear!!!!

in other news.....school starts soon, as does soccer season. HELLO STRESS! haha. ;)

anyways.....keep up the fight, Grace. God is doing and is going to be doing great things through you.

Unknown said...

Eh, college...i'm leaving the day after tomorrow! :D Yah, college means missing you and everyone else, but God puts people where He wants them at the time He wants them. And remember - it's not about you. It's not about me. It's not about what people can do for you, or what they can't. It's about glorifying Him through your complete dependence on Him, because He is more than enough and can only be that if you let Him be glorified in your life through your words and actions...even if those words and actions are between Him and you alone. :) Much love always, and many prayers always. >----- ^_^ -----<

Chad and Jessica's Family: said...

Hi Grace!

Someone shared you had a blog. You are so creative and real.

Anyhow.....I had no idea the battle that you are dealing with right now. I did notice how thin you were and did wonder if something was wrong. I wanted to tell you that your openess is beautiful and it shows that you are honest. My prayer for you Grace is that you will become free from this bondage because as you already know, it is not of the Lord. The Lord has so much in store for you and may you yield to His will, because you can not serve 2 masters. Satan would love for you to crumble, so stay in the Word and cry out to Jesus and don't give up or give in to the lies of satan. Oh, you are in my prayers and I just want to let you know that you have been on my mind. Sorry if I sound preachy or something. :) I just think you are precious and what I am seeing outwardly(the anorexia) with you does not reflect the inward heart that I see in you(a bright,loving, gifted young girl who loves the Lord. Resist the devil and he will flee. Shine for HIM!!!! I love you in the Lord Grace and I know you do not know me too well but as a Sister in the Lord, I care for you and will be praying. You are beautiful. If you ever want to talk or pray or anything, I would love to encourage you in Him.

Love,
Jessica Argon

Chad and Jessica's Family: said...

Hi Grace!

Someone shared you had a blog. You are so creative and real.

Anyhow.....I had no idea the battle that you are dealing with right now. I did notice how thin you were and did wonder if something was wrong. I wanted to tell you that your openess is beautiful and it shows that you are honest. My prayer for you Grace is that you will become free from this bondage because as you already know, it is not of the Lord. The Lord has so much in store for you and may you yield to His will, because you can not serve 2 masters. Satan would love for you to crumble, so stay in the Word and cry out to Jesus and don't give up or give in to the lies of satan. Oh, you are in my prayers and I just want to let you know that you have been on my mind. Sorry if I sound preachy or something. :) I just think you are precious and what I am seeing outwardly(the anorexia) with you does not reflect the inward heart that I see in you(a bright,loving, gifted young girl who loves the Lord. Resist the devil and he will flee. Shine for HIM!!!! I love you in the Lord Grace and I know you do not know me too well but as a Sister in the Lord, I care for you and will be praying. You are beautiful. If you ever want to talk or pray or anything, I would love to encourage you in Him.

Love,
Jessica Argon

Rachel said...

This is so beautiful. I am so glad that you linked up with my challenge, and I am so glad that you could be so stunningly transparent. I am blown away by the beauty of you.

Grace said...

Lilly: Thank you, and ehhh, school! I'm not sure whether or not I miss it: I probably will once everyone else has a scheduled way of life again, and I'm stuck in a limbo between Summer boredom and Fall joy. Crazy sauce! Thank heavens I'll be in New York with *some* kind of structure to my day!! Good luck with the soccer!
Liz, I'm going to miss you so very much. :( Thank you for the prayers!
Mrs. Argon, your comment made my day. I am so reliant on His strength to get through this. I repeatedly fail Him. But I know He will never fail *me*. He is so great and mighty and good!

Hannah Ninja.. said...

Jola.. (Pronounced JO-LA)
A small taste of my life has been...

Saving Money for a house..
Twiddling my fingers and hoping to get approved for a loan..
Creating anything... (this includes stuffing dandelion seeds, pieces of burnt poetry, glitter, and clockwork gears into tiny bottles for pendants.)
And.. among other things.. surviving..
Just like anyone else..

(lol, I don't miss working with Tami.. lol, we didn't seem to get along..)

Love you, wishing you all the best, and giving you lots of hugs.. I think you will deff like new york tho, You always seemed to me like a big city girl :)

Anonymous said...

Hi grace. This is Jessica argon.... I commented here yrs ago and we googled pur name and this pops up. Wondering if you could kindly delete my comment. I can't get in my old account. I just want my name off Internet. Hope you and your fam are well. Love, Jessica argon