August 16, 2011

The Road Not Taken

Tell me:
Have you ever felt like this picture?
Like your heart, your life-everything- is too heavy a load for you to carry as you struggle uphill?
What if I were to tell you that you're going about it all wrong?
I know, I know: how presumptuous of me! 
What a judge I am!
How about I walk a mile in your shoes? Let's see what tune I'm singing then!
Well, I do understand.
Everyone does.
Because we are all born with a burden on our backs, desperation in our souls, and darkness in our hearts.
But I understand it even more because my burden has been removed.
That heavy heart I was carrying?
I placed it in the hands of a loving Saviour, and went from carrying a heavy rock, to clinging to one.
And now I am clinging more than ever. 
Let me first thank you all so very very much for your prayers the past few days. 
I wanted to update yesterday, but I wasn't sure about a whole lot and also had two wisdom teeth removed, so I didn't feel so great either. 
However, I am a little surer now, so here are the facts.
I don't believe I will be going to Selah House.
At first I was disappointed in this fact, after all the prayer and the fact that I thought God had made it seem like it was what He wanted. But I asked Him to please close all of the wrong doors so that I could see only the right one, and the fact that, no matter how many calls I've made, I still can't get a hold of the person I want to speak to. Well, that made me wonder.
But it wasn't until I called a facility in New York, got through their initial screening process, and scheduled an admissions phone call for tomorrow that I decided it was probably a closed door. 
Certainly I am disappointed that I don't get to go to a 43-acre, small, secluded home to recover.
But if it's not where God wants me, then I don't want to be there either.
The facility I'm looking at- and 98% sure I'm being accepted into- is a research and treatment program.
The more I consider this, the more I love the sound of it.
I have been made so miserable by Vanity, I hate this disorder so much, that I wish there was a way to prevent anyone from ever getting it. By participating in this program, I will be aiding in research that will help other anorexics someday, as well as being healed myself at the same time. And because it's a research center, it's free of charge. 
How's that for an open door?
Because it's not a Christian facility, it will also both test my light and give it a greater chance to shine. 
I know I am completely relying on Christ as my strength to defeat anorexia, a strength many of the others probably do not have.
I am clinging to a rock that is stronger than I, feeling the waves and the storm around me beat and batter my body. 
But this rock is different.
It doesn't erode.
It doesn't chip.
It doesn't fade.
It was there before the ocean was.
And even though I can hear the sirens singing- enchanting, alluring songs- I know that in the end if I let go and follow them, I won't get a lovely song. I'll just meet sharp teeth and a painful death.
I have felt Vanity's cold, clammy hands caressing my arm, pulling at my legs, trying to lure me from my Rock.
But I won't let go. 
There is carved into this rock handholds that were made perfectly for me. 
They are meant for my grip.
It is not with my own strength that I will hold on and get through this storm, but with the rock's surety.
And that Rock is Jesus Christ. 
I was at first afraid of going into recovery, but I'm not anymore.
I am actually leaning towards it the greatest of anticipations. 
I am so indescribably ready to defeat Vanity and get better, that I can't wait to board that plane and go where  ever God is sending me to get help.
I know it's going to be a long, hard journey. 
It could take months.
I don't want to leave my job: I love my job. I love the people I work for and with. The people I seat and serve. 
But I know that if God so wishes it, I will come back and be able to work at the tea room again.
My only fear, oddly enough, is that if I go to New York that I'll fall in love with it.
It's just the sort of thing I would do, and I dislike the idea of breaking my heart when I return home. 
But I can trust God here as well: He will never let my heart break. 
And if He takes me to New York because I'll someday be going back there...
Well, that's in His hands: I will make no assumptions, no plans.
Thank you again so much for your prayers.
I am in a state of awe as I thank God for each of you.
He daily showers me with blessings, and for this I am eternally thankful. 
Please pray for me just a little longer, as I have a "phone date" with the facility tomorrow. 
Pray that I get in.
Pray that I get help.
And please pray that it happens soon.
Thank you all and cheerio!


Anonymous said...

Fear not. The LORD goes before you.

kimberly said...

You're such an amazing, inspiring person, Grace! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. <3

Lily said...

oh Grace, I'm praying so hard for you.
God has used you and your blog {but mostly you ;)} to show me how He makes love and joy shine through to others through YOU.

whatever happens, just remember that God has it all under control, and that you are in my heart and my prayers.

love you always and forever,