August 11, 2011

Falling Slowly

It's happening.
Bit by itty-bit.
The change of seasons.
We are already finding ourselves marching head-on into August, but the change of months isn't what has sparked this realization that Summer is coming to a close.
It isn't the back-to-school sales either, although they certainly are instrumental in keeping it foremost in my mind.
It's the little things.
The way it's always a little darker for a little longer each morning when I wake up: a month ago I could read my Bible in the downstairs kitchen, at six AM, with the lights off. Now I have to squint to see the words even at six-twenty. 
The air for the past few mornings has been much cooler: a sign that it's cooled down more during the night.
I heard a Canadian goose honking as it flew over my head on Tuesday: that's the first one of the season, may there be many more to come!
I am tinged with the insatiable desire and dream of Autumn and Fall.
A craving for the change of colors,
And pace of life.
I look forward to so many things about Autumn each year, and although it's still a bit early to grasp onto those dreams yet, they are awaking from sleep none-the-less.
Am I the only person craving pumpkin and crisp, flavorful apples?
I'm fully and readily aware of a few things.
Well, not so much aware as decided. 
I have decided some things about college for this year, and about the coming change of season.
I think God is telling me to wait on college-even if it's just a couple of classes- until next semester, next Summer, or next year. 
The stress is something I need to avoid right now, what with my anxiety problems, and I also need to get this anorexia under control. I was thinking about it last night, and was a little perturbed by the casual thought that crossed my mind: It would be silly to pay for classes and buy books when I may have to be sent out of state to an inpatient program. 
Wait, what?
"Yes, you heard me correctly," said my brain.
The truth being that I think I've lost more weight.
And I'm already one bad doctor's appointment (and they've been nothing but bad so far) away from being put into a facility. The only problem is that there are no inpatient facilities or even day programs dealing with anorexia in the state of Idaho. 
What's truly frightening is how resigned I am to the fact that I might have to go. I'm almost looking forward to it, actually. It's not a giving up kind of resigned or anticipation: not at all. It's the kind of anticipation that comes with the knowledge that it would help me, and is the thing I actually need. 
I'm beginning to believe it's the kind of anticipation that comes from God pointing in a direction and saying "This is what you need; now will you lay down your fear and pride and admit it?"
I no longer think or trust that I can take care of this from where I am. Already this week I've overdone it and fallen so many times. I'm at the point where I'm counting ribs, bruises that appear magically on my legs, having to sit on pillows, and noticing new protruding bones. The past two days as I've walked home I've had the distinct awareness of my heart...working. Stretching. Being tested. I longed to sit down at the park and rest, but was frightened that I would be too exhausted to get back up again. I'm wondering- almost feeling it lain on my heart- to ask about a facility.
I'm aware of the stress this would cause my family and friends, as well as the fact that I would probably lose my job, and that a facility would by no means be any fun (Depending on where you go they can almost always be a lot like going to a concentration camp) and I don't know if I could take my knitting (Eeps!!), but I just want to get better
And I'm ready to admit that that's simply not possible for me to do by myself. 
So this looking forward to Fall isn't just about season and the normal changes that come: I'm looking forward to the leading that God will do, and hopefully the healing.
I am so ready to get better, no matter where I have to go to get it done. 
I'm going to ask for you all to pray for me as I look into what God wants me to do, and to light my path.
In the meantime, I'm determined to do my best today, and seize it with all of the strength I've got.
May you do the same!


Rachel said...

Oh this post has made me crave fall. I know that I'm such a huge fan of summertime, but OH, how I want that smell in the air, that beauty in nature...and for pete's sake, COOLER WEATHER! =p

Stunning, as usual. I love you. <3

Mary said...

I must admit...I am very much looking forward to fall...I need the crisp cool air so badly!:)

And dearest, I'm still praying for you, today and everyday that God will give you strength and healing. Your name is one my prayer board in my room...I know you can conquer this!
I love you<3

mamaforhim said...

Grace Dearest!
Praying for you and so glad that you see your need for others to help you let God help you, if that makes any sense at all...

Why would they not allow you to take your knitting? I mean if you were needing to be in an anger management facility, I could so see that...

but you are on the road to healing... I would be suprised if they took that away from you, especially if it's somewhat therapeutic for you.

Much love,
Mrs. Baker