August 10, 2011

Eyes Open

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A light chill in the air.
Long fingers of light reaching across a powder-blue sky, stroking the white and purple-hued clouds.
Silence, broken only by the light chirp of birds and the occasional passing car.
It is morning.
And I am the only person awake in this large, silent house.
Upstairs, five other bodies slumber soundly in bed, still dreaming.
Before me sits my Bible, the page opened to Psalm 63.
I've been down here for a while, but I still cannot seem to move past the first few verses.
"Oh God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry, thirsty land where no water is..."
"...Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee."
Early will I seek thee.
My soul thirsteth for thee.
Lovingkindness...better than life...praise thee.
These words captivate me, bring me to my knees in thankful awe and wonder.
An awe that is only deepened as I witness the sunrise this beautiful Summer morning.
God's creation is glorious indeed. 
I move on to my knitting, my breakfast: the former being something I delight in, the latter being something I am learning to love.
And I do love my solitary breakfasts. It's the one meal in the day which I look forward to and will gladly eat. 
I think it's because of the silence.
 Of the solitude. 
Of the peace.
Three things that- living in a large family- are hard to obtain.
But this time is mine.
A time in which I can soft-boil an egg, enjoy the sweetness of a peach, the spice of a cup of chai tea, and knit a pair of fingerless gloves in perfect, glorious, joyful silence.
In this hour of silence, I can give the day over to God, beat Vanity at least once for the day, and find perfect delight. 
These moments in the morning make me crave an independent life more than ever.
Remind me of that urge in my heart and mind- something I've felt increasingly over the past few months- to move on outside of my family, and find my place.
These challenges that have been laid at my feet (anorexia, anxiety, poor health) are merely things I need to overcome so that I can live by myself. In a way, that thought has been a big motivation for me in dealing with everything. Is it really all that strange that I want to move on and be independent?
I know it isn't time yet: God has made that much clear. 
I still have some preparing to do, some lessons to learn. 
Until then, I will hold onto these morning hours, cherishing them.
During them, I find the strength and joy through God to move on and seize the day. 
And now, cup of tea in hand, that is exactly what I plan to do.
Good morning, all.

3 comments:

Rachel said...

You are a poet and a gem. Star-gazer and sunset-watcher. Daughter, blessed and beloved.

I love you.

Islander Spirit said...

Wow...well said. I love the morning and sunrise too...are you sure you are not my long lost daughter?

Grace said...

Rachel: YOU are the poet!! I only wish my prose-like ramblings were as wonderful as yours!
I just might be...I've got long-lost sisters too! :P