August 3, 2011

Diving

Today
Has been a day of diving.
A day of exploring,
Poking,
Prodding,
-All that good stuff-
Into who I am.
Being faced with anorexia is usually compared to being in an abusive relationship:
You are being wounded,
You are being hurt,
You are being thoroughly misused:
But you can't get out.
You won't leave that person, tell others about Him.
So many anorexics are encouraged to separate themselves mentally from the eating disorder.
To acknowledge that whatever thought is telling you to not eat, to "do this" and "don't do that" isn't actually their own. 
Many anorexics refer to this side of their mind as "Ed" (Stands for "Eating Disorder." Clever, right?). 
Anyone who has been reading my blog for a while will know that I think of my eating disorder in a far more female sense, and have named her "Vanity". 
It's a lot to grasp for someone who has never had to deal with this struggle, but that is pretty much how it goes, crazy sounding or not.
Because you see, anorexia is less of an eating disorder, and more of a mental disability.
A chemical imbalance.
It drives you to do things and think things that you- or anybody with any sense of self-preservation for that matter- would do. 
I recently started seeing a counselor for my struggle and, praise the Lord, she is a Christian, and after only two sessions I can honestly say that she is exactly what I need.
I pray before each session that God would give her the wisdom to help me, and that He would speak through her.
And He has.
I love the way I'll be rambling, talking, complaining, and she always directs my focus back to God.
"What about God's plan?"
"What does the Bible say about this?"
"Remember that Psalm about God being a rock?"
It's more encouraging and helpful than I can say.
But back on topic.
My counselor (Traci), instructed me to try and start separating myself from Vanity.
In my mind.
When I hear that little voice, when I do things on impulse, when I think: I must ask myself, "But, ah, is that Vanity speaking?" And most of the time I end up having to say "But what does Grace want?" 
The most frightening thing in the world is realizing that you don't actually know who you are.
That for an age and a half you have been listening to a little voice that you assumed was you, but are actually shocked to discover isn't. 
And then it's even scarier trying to give that voice up.
So I have spent the afternoon writing in my journal, trying to decipher who I am.
Vanity has got her long, evil claws in so many areas of my life: things I love to do, even if it's Grace who loves to do them, I am finding are very often tainted at least slightly with Vanity's opinion. 
So I am reclaiming myself.
I am delving into the depths of my heart, mind, and soul and trying to find out what and who exactly I am.
What do I like to do?
How do I dream of spending my life?
It all seems so overwhelming, but I am certain of the most important fact, and that fact casts a different sort of light onto everything else.
I am a daughter of the King of Kings.
As long as I know that, as long as I am His and He is mine, I will never ever have to worry about the rest of me.
In the shadow of His wings I am hiding.
I am supposed to lay down myself to be more like Him.
So maybe instead of discovering who I am...
...I should discover how I can be who He is.

5 comments:

Rick_D_Anderson said...

Hello! Never forget that God loves You, The very unique person you are, You. He wants to work in You. He knows the number of hairs on your head, every bit, good bad and quirky. looking up to him is a good place to start finding yourself :)

Rachel said...

I love you.

What more can I say, but that I love you, and He loves you.

On my face for You tonight.

kimberly said...

Wow, that really helped me a lot today. Thanks for the words. Getting to know Him more is the only way we will truly find ourselves. <3

Grace said...

Rick: It's a lesson that I feel is going to take a lifetime to truly grasp and learn.
Rachel: thank you so much for the prayers! I love you too!
Kimberly: I'm glad it did! I can't believe how often I find myself looking to me for answers, instead of asking Him to guide me. :(

Rick_D_Anderson said...

And hey, don't get down on yourself ok?
Humility is good, I've found that when I completely remove myself from a equation and give it to God he works wonders, but when I lose track of God its very easy to feel like nothing has been done, that nothing has been accomplished, that the fight has been lost, again. That was my experience.
It's hard.
Believe it or not, I know what its like to have a lie creep in and take hold of life. Just know that we are meant for victory, and know that you have all us ^^^ above cheering you on, and praying. :)