I will be the first to admit that I am a heartily silly and dissipated person.
I am interested in and in love with so many different things and ideas and dreams,
That it has always confused me just what I want to do with my life.
I have changed direction and decision so many times, that I'm strongly embarrassed by it.
But it seems that every time I settle on something, I'm struck-slowly, quickly, immediately, or after many months or years- by how that is not what I am meant or want to do.
I waste so much time fretting over whether or not the choices I make are the ones that are correct: are just what God wants for my life.
I've always had the expectation that if I were pursuing the career that God wanted for my life, it would just feel right. I can't say that this is actually true, because I've never felt that way about any of my career goals. Which makes me worry that they aren't the right ones.
But here are the current facts plain and simple, and what I've been reflecting on.
My goal up until now has been to go into musical theater: singing, dancing, drama. All things I excel at (especially the drama). But with this anorexia, with these health problems, with the repercussions I will most likely face the rest of my life because of them, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I should. Not only because of health, but because of healthy body image too. Much of the world of theater and stage is driven by perfection and beauty, and if I already struggle with a disorder that is partly rooted in a dissatisfaction in that area, maybe God is trying to point out that my choice wasn't necessarily His choice. Which may well be. I think I just assumed that He had turned me in that direction, never really asked Him what He has planned.
Either way, I'm taking a step back.
And I'm laying out the fleece, so to speak.
Like Gideon, the Lord has called me in my life to follow Him, and like Gideon, I'm asking Him for a sign regarding direction.
I've had a choice in mind- one that has been suggested repeatedly to me recently- that I have wondered might be the Lord trying to point it out as what I ought to do with myself. I've asked Him for a direct sign before the end of the week if this is in fact what He is telling me to do with my life.
I have time at the moment: I saw my counselor on Monday, and asked her if I should plan to push myself and take classes at the local community college this Fall, as planned, and she suggested that more stress would just aggravate the situation I'm already in, and to only take classes that I will enjoy. This is, I feel, maybe God trying to again get my attention in such a way as to let me know my long-term career plan hasn't lined up with His.
What's ironic is how scared I am that He will say no to this request, because it's an idea I've always- since I was a little girl-loved and in a way pursued. I won't say what it is, but I will ask for prayer for it to be answered.
What is most important for me right now is to remember that if God doesn't answer the sign in the affirmative, it's because He has something more wonderful in store for me; something that I will give my all in working towards.
Am I the only person out there who feels utterly confused about the direction of her life? I know where I'd like to go, what I enjoy doing, and where I see myself years from now, but I only want it if it's what God wants as well. I'm feeling frustrated and stagnant, sitting here three months after I've graduated high school, feeling more clueless than ever. I know that by trusting in the Lord's timing and guidance, nothing will ever go wrong, but that's just my problem: trusting.
I need to trust Him to lead me down the path of righteousness.
I need to trust Him to do what is best for me.
I need to trust that He will lead.
I need to trust that He will, eventually, give me what I most long to have: