July 15, 2011

Determination

Today I had another appointment with my nutrionist.
We decided that every four weeks wasn't cutting it, and that I need to talk to her every two. 
So away we went. 
Let me recap by mentioning some things that have happened since my last appointment. 
1. I visited my (new) doctor for a physical follow up. Which is embarrassing since there are probably few things more belittling than sitting in a room with a woman you've never met, who doesn't really know your history, and is now looking at your emaciated frame and scrutinizing the double digits-rather than the normal three numbers that register for people-that pop up when you step up on the scale. What was really important about this visit was the way that I finally opened up to both my "professional help" and my mother for the first time: that I admitted that the reason I really haven't been fighting is probably because the idea of dying of anorexia hasn't scared me in the least. It's been more frightening to realize this than it has been to realize that I am starving myself to death. But more importantly it's wonderful to know exactly what I've got: Anxiety Induced Anorexia. 
There. I've been classified. 
And it feels kind of relieving. 
Anyway, after some conversation on this topic, it was strongly (very strongly) suggested that I begin a month-long trial of Fluoxetine. Fluoxetine is the generic version of Prozac, and is an antidepressant. The dosage I'm taking is designed to be a gradual effect, and not too strong at that, but only a week into the trial I can feel and ...think?...the difference. I've been able to sort things out in a far more clear fashion, and I'm better able to recognize the harm I'm doing myself and for the first time, it's truly scaring me.
2. Due to the Prozac, I've been designing a better battle plan. I've been taking a wrong approach to dealing with Vanity, and now I think I know what to do. The one most important thing that hasn't changed is the fact that I need my strength to come entirely from the Lord. However, as to the rest, I'm starting to strengthen "Prudence" and work a little more from that side. I've been thinking a lot about what I want for the future (see yesterday's post), and nurturing the desire to live for the Lord. Emphasis on the word "live". 
3. Falling in love with food. This may take my whole life to do, but it can be done. I already do love food: I love to make it, I love to smell it, I love to see it. But there's a brick wall when it comes to wanting to eat it. I'm going to work on tearing this wall down. I spend a lot of time on food blogs, going through the recipes and strongly coveting the chance to make them myself. I love to bake and cook! But I want to enjoy eating it too. I want myself to know it's okay, it's actually vital, to consume food stuffs. Calories are just units of energy. And I can eat without overdoing it. Food can be beautiful and enjoyable, I just need to start believing that it's possible for me to look at it that way.
4. I've been dealing with a lot of shortness of breath and chest/throat pain. Like a constricting, aching pain. It's been acutely uncomfortable, and rather worrisome. 
Anywho, that's a breakdown of what's been happening this week.
So this morning, when I stepped on the scale, saw a number even lower than before, and talked through things with Lovely Lady Nutrionist, I wasn't as disenheartened as I was after my last visit.
No.
This time, the ninety-six pound weakling left that office full of determination.
I will not be a slave to myself and my sin nature.
I am a Daughter of the King, and will behave as such. 
I will put on the Armor of God, I will fight, and I will win.
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Stronger is Him who is in me, than he who is in the world.
I will lay aside the fear and the sin that so easily besets me, and run with patience the race that I am called to run.
And I will do so with a joy the rest of the world cannot know.
Don't get me wrong: I am extremely nervous, and I realize this is going to take a long, long time.
I'm not going to be this determined every day, and I'm not going to succeed constantly.
I will fail and fall.
But I will also get back up again, and defeat this way of thinking, this way of living, and this constant fear.
What do you have in your life that is defeating, scaring, and possessing you?
And are you ready to be determined and defeat it too?
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3 comments:

Emily Rose said...

Oh dear Grace, I'm praying for you. You are such a kind soul, and don't deserve to go through such pain.
My mom is a yoga teacher, and she was telling me how sometimes yoga can really help if you have an eating disorder, because it isn't competitive, and it is all about self acceptance. Plus, it's very calming and fun.:) Maybe you could hook up with a local studio that you felt comfortable with, and perhaps you would enjoy some classes. I hope you start to get better soon!

Christela Oddstar said...

Keep standing in the Lord,girl! Hope you'll get better soon! Even I, is in the midst of my severe allergy which tortures me. So, let's pray and know He is God. Happy day! :D

~ Christela

Polka Dot said...

Praying for you! Such a tough thing to get through. You should come to my house and I can show you by example how to love eating food. :)