July 30, 2011

Brattitude

I am such a brat. 
A selfish, low-down, vain brat. 
It seems like all I ever do is talk about, feel sorry for, complain and obsess over one subject...
Me.
Case in point? 
Today.
Today was going to be my day off.
Today was "supposed to be wonderful", and full of the things I love to do: farmer's market, walking, knitting, long hours of pencil sketching, baking, and at least one giant pot of tea.
I was going to wake up early, make pumpkin muffins, then proceed nonchalantly with my day, being soooo thankful to God for all His bountiful blessings in my life.
But, ah! The inevitable! A curve ball enters life.
 I- awake since very early, just finishing up a muffin and knitting merrily away- am startled from my silent reverie by the shrill ring of the telephone. A glance at the number calling and my heart sinks. 
I answer "Hello?" in a quiet voice, trying not to disturb the house that still slumbers about me.
"Yes; oh my gosh! Of course! I'll be in at nine. Okay; see you then. Bye."
My co-worker- someone who I love with all my heart and look upon like an Aunt or Grandmother- has been struggling with some health issues, and falls ill this morning; I have been called into work.
Her condition is both serious and frightening, and not at all good.
Do I stop for more than a minute and pray for her? 
Do I wear a hole in the carpet fretting over how she's doing?
Not immediately, no: I, in all of my selfish glory, am sitting dejected in my chair (get this), pouting.
Pouting because my plans are ruined.
Pouting because- whoosh!- there goes my fantastic day, right out the window on gossamer wings.
While someone I love and care about is in pain and needs me to help by taking her place at work.
Pouting!
I. Am. Despicable. 
It didn't take long for me to examine myself and see what I brat I was being, and unbelievably selfish to boot!
With a deal of chagrin, I begged God for forgiveness, prayed hard for my co-worker, made a lunch, started walking, and thought I'd moved through it.
But oh no, it didn't stop there. 
My selfish attitude stretched, as such things do, all through the workday, casting a shadow over my frame of mind, over the way I walked, tampering with my smile, forcing me to check the clock. 
I was still upset that I hadn't gotten my way.
(Please, feel free to despise me right now: I do.)
It wasn't until I was well on my way home that I really truly looked back over the day and saw what a jerk I'd been. Oh sure, I had been nice enough to other people: smiled, served, laughed, did my job to the best of my ability. 
But what was the point when the entire time, I was full of a brooding anger and disappointment, rooted completely in my own selfish spirit? 
I might as well had been lazy, mean, and cruel to everyone I spoke to: it would at least have been closer to the truth of who I really am. 
I am heartily ashamed, and I wanted to post it for all here to see, that way no one is deluded into thinking nice thoughts about me, or thinking I'm someone I'm not. 
However, isn't our God so wonderful? Isn't His forgiveness indescribable? 
I do not deserve it, but I told Him all about how horrible I'd been today (As if He didn't already know!), and He shook His head at my actions, but lovingly wiped away my tears and forgave me. 
Which has made me reflect on some things: what if, through this curve ball, God was testing me or planning to introduce some important thing into my life. Something...life changing.
And I, through my bad attitude, missed a gold opportunity. I know I failed the test. 
Whatever God had or has planned because of today, whatever lesson I should have learned, I know that I'm learning at least one thing, and that is my selfishness, and how to overcome it.
So I shall now spend the rest of the day attempting to do things for others.
And I will hopefully do so tomorrow, and the day after.
And I will try to remember, above all, to give thanks in all things. 
Instead of griping and complaining about having to work on my day off, be thankful I have a job and am well and able enough to work today.
Instead of griping about how things didn't go my way, be thankful that I was forced to concede in order to help others. 
And always be thankful that God doesn't give me my way.
(That would truly be a nightmare of epic proportions!)
*

7 comments:

Rachel said...

Praise to God for His forgiveness. But may I offer this tender word of warning? Be careful how much you call yourself names or berate yourself so harshly. We are sinners, yes, and we do vain and dreadful things. But oh, our God is bigger, and makes us spotless in His eyes. Be tender to His Princess, love. Be firm with your heart, but ease up on the self-beration. <3

Lily said...

you're NOT a selfish brat, Grace!!! We all make mistakes, and we all have our bratty moments...but that doesn't make us straight out brats, least of all you! you are one of the sweetest girls I know....and God used this post to expose MY brattiness today. :)
so thank you, dear. I'll be praying for your friend/coworker!

kimberly said...

I believe all Christians come to a many moments when they realize how selfish they are and how much they need God's grace. We all do, and it's amazing how awesome His grace is. So stay in awe of Him..and Rachel's right...don't beat yourself down. His Spirit is within you and you are His temple and He loves you.

DeAnza said...

Beautiful post!

Theresa Rohrer said...

Don't worry, everyone feels disappointed sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that! And don't despair over the loss of a great day you had all laid out. I've found that the most fantastic days in life are never planned but happen when you least expect them. May you have a delightful day this week that surprises you like wild flowers in winter!

Grace said...

You ladies really are too sweet, but it doesn't change how ridiculous I feel after spending so much time dwelling on myself. I am even too embarrassed for words!

Haley said...

Oh Grace, isn't God's forgiveness wonderful? He forgives all our little and big sins 70 times 7 times and more. Remember that the three purposes of the law are as a mirror, a curb, and a guide. Isn't it amazing that when we feel our most wretched, God is calling us back to Him and His grace?