June 20, 2011

Git 'Er Done.

Today is a day for getting things done.
I never really decided this. 
There we no open acknowledgments made to the tasks I wanted to complete.
I didn't plan and plot my way through a "To-Do" list.
There were no hours in front of a computer, no long breaks or lunch hours to be had.
It was all rather inadvertently and gloriously done, with a most delicious sense of lackadaisical (dare I say lazy?) contentment and a complacent turn of mind.
Unhurried. 
Just like Summer ought to be.
I finished two books, and I feel as if I've earned myself a bonus sticky-star because they were both from my my Summer reading list (two of the Mitford novels). I've started a third novel today, and it's one I've never even heard of but promises to be interesting- The New Policeman by Kate Thompson. 
I walked to and from the library, and picked up my "prizes" for completing the second level of the Summer reading program. I adore library Summer reading programs: they already give me free books to take away for long periods of time and read to my heart's content, they just put an extra cherry on top by giving me free stuff to do what I do best: sit around for hours on end and read. What's not to love?!
I finished my Aunt's afghan blanket. The one I was knitting that's fabulous shades of gold and sagey green? Yes, that one. I refuse to wait until my mother's sojourn to the East Coast in August: I'm going to ship it off as soon as possible- tomorrow, if I can- and get it out of my room. The thing is huge! I have no where to put it, and I wouldn't wish having to lug that thing in an extra carry-on across several states and airports on anyone, much less my own mother. 
Now I get to begin knitting things for my nephew! 
By the way, have I ever introduced you to my Nephew?
No?
I thought not.
I've done a pretty darn good job of keeping my obsessive Aunty-Grace thing under control on here, but I'm going to throw caution to the wind here because hey: the kid is adorable!
Meet Dave.
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Isn't he just adorable?! *Squeals*
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Reading the paper with his pops.
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His current favorite accessory (or at least it was a month ago)- the circus hat that I knit him. I actually made it for him at birth, but I was just throwing things on and off the needles at the time, without any regard for size. If it was cute, and for little kids, I knit it. Needless to say, not all of the things I made found their way to my sister and nephew- an alarming amount were left lying around my room and eventually shipped to the thrift store- but I'm glad this one did. Because it is (or was) his favorite thing, now that it almost fits.  
And lucky me! I have the pattern in every size through adult, so I can wreak this thing on him in a hundred different colors for the rest of his life. *evil aunt grin*
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The Sister, The Husband, and The Nephew are an army family, currently stationed in Georgia (soon to be stationed in Kentucky), so we don't get to see them. Ever. However, The Sister and The Nephew are supposed to visit next month. Or they were. The army has decided to move them to Kentucky rather unexpectedly, so that plan might fall through. *weep*.
I've pretty much finished my high school transcript, and can now move on with getting 100% accepted to the college and get my class schedule. Hooray! 
I finished my latest batch of thank-you cards. Good heavens, but I think I'm going to be writing thank-yous for graduation gifts for the rest of my life! Not that this is a bad thing- it actually reminds me how blessed I am.
I am sitting down enjoying my afternoon tea. This doesn't happen every afternoon anymore, so I feel a definite sense of completion on days that it does. I'm being a good girl, though: I only fill the pot half full, and use a smaller teacup to fool Vanity into thinking I'm getting as much as I usually do. I also eat my required snack during tea time, so it's not just empty, calorie-less food. 
And because it's tea time and so very relaxing, I don't get to angry about the eating part.
 Yes, fun fact about anorexia: whereas most people get angry when they're hungry, anorexics get angry when they eat. Putting food in my mouth can turn me into an absolute monster, makes me unrecognizable. It also has turned me into a liar, a miser, and the most selfish person I know. I hate what this thing is doing to me! I long for the days of being able to drink a regular root beer without wanting to wound myself. It makes me cry to think that I used to love ice cream and sweet food. I'm miserable that the only lemonade I'm willing to drink has zero calories and tastes like stevia. I'm ashamed that I spend so much time and energy looking for ways to skip meals, hide food, or burn off whatever calories I've just consumed that I have not time or energy to think of anything or anyone else. The happiest days of my life were the ones when I'd order frappucinos at Starbucks, hot dogs at concession stands, and eat a full dinner without blinking and hating myself with frightening passion so intense, it keeps me awake at night. It scares me that I've damaged my heart, severely weakened my bones, and probably shortened my life span, and that only the smallest fraction of me seems to want to get better and stop hurting myself like that. I'm haunted by the truth that I honestly don't really think I'm sick, and that every time I pass any sort of reflective surface, I scrutinize every inch of me and hear a nasty snarl whispering in my ear "Not good enough." Why, oh why, did I ever let myself get this way? Why did I let Satan find a back-door into my heart and begin to destroy what Christ had saved from sin? 

"Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil...
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand in the evil day...
and, having done all...
to stand."
Don't just put the armour on so that it's possible to stand firm...actually do it.
Because we're all fighting an enemy much stronger than us.
But not nearly as strong as our God and Creator. 
I guess all of this is leading me to say that my greatest accomplishment and "completed task" of the day is the renewed desire to beat down what I am, what I've become. To defeat myself. To defeat Vanity. To defeat Satan. I'm going to look into counseling. I've been putting it off because, in my heart, I'm still trying to persuade myself that I'm actually "sick". I keep denying it. When I look at myself, I hear Vanity say "Ick. Look at that! You've definitely gained weight: you've completed your task, you can now stop following the rules." 
I'm still trying to get used to the idea that the voice in my head that I've so long thought was me, isn't. 
I feel like I've got no one to talk to, no one who at all understands how frustrating this is. 
It's already ruining my relationship with my mother in ways that confuse and frighten me (this has been one of my biggest concerns the past few weeks).
I've begun to develop some OCD tendencies. 
And it's really beginning to wear me down.
So I'm going to seek some more help. I'm mostly worried that I'll let a counselor or whoever ends up in that position take the place of God in my life. I want to go to God for my help and counsel. But I also realize that maybe he can supply a human for some of my needs too, without taking His place. 
All this is making my head spin.
Whew!
Sorry I just dropped all that on you guys.
But I guess venting and getting some of that off of my chest makes for another completed task for the day. 
It would appear that it's also eaten up an entire post and all my time for now- other responsibilities call, and I've got to up-and-go for now.
Hang in there, me lovlies!

5 comments:

Rachel said...

You aren't alone. You aren't the only one that struggles with calories, looking at myself in the mirror, and teaching myself to eat without hating my lips.

I love you. You aren't alone. Email me whenever you need me. I'm here for you. <3

Sarah Michelle said...

Praying for you dearie! You'll get through this! <3

Mary said...

Oh Grace...I'm so sorry to hear about your struggling! But God is right there beside you and is holding out his hands...with Him you can overthrow the lies Satan is whispering to you. Keep up your strength!
You are beautiful, dear, and I'm praying very earnestly for you!<3 Love you so much!<3 <3 *hugs*

Emily Rose said...

Aw!

Grace said...

Thank you ladies for the support and prayers!!! I'm in tears when I think about all the people out there praying for me as I CONTINUE to complain. It's very humbling!!
Just focus on how cute my nephew is- it's a far less depressing subject. ;)