For what it's worth, I've spent the last several days debating whether or not I should do a post on this subject, but decided to wait until this morning, after my appointment with the nutrionist, to see how I felt about it.
Of course, I now am feeling more confused than ever, which is hardly productive, but I feel that, as there have been many people expressing concern about me lately, that I should at the very least let everyone know what is going on.
I've been experiencing some health difficulties and various problems the last several months or so, but most notable has been my rapid weight loss. Over a year ago, this weight loss was being done by careful planning and design, with the goal of simply being healthier and stopping at a decent point. However, since reaching that point, I've fallen into a downward spiral, inexplicably shedding pounds without even meaning to, among experiencing some other health problems.
After visiting the doctor twice and finally, this morning, meeting with a nutrionist (both of who are very nice ladies: honestly, for someone who dislikes doctors as much as I do, I really lucked out!) we've been able to put a finger on just what's wrong with me, and how to fix it.
I have been diagnosed with a form of anorexia.
Now, before your train of thought chugs any farther down this track, I need you to focus for just a second and read this again.
A form of anorexia.
Yes, there's more than one type of anorexia.
You probably have some mental image of an emaciated girl, refusing to eat, skipping meals, and living on as few calories as she can possibly manage, and all with the express intent and desire of being as skinny and model-like as possible.
This is not so with me.
The form of anorexia I am facing is much different.
I am not trying to be skinny: I repeat, I do not want to lose weight, nor have I ever wanted to be this thin
In fact, my weight loss and the number on the scale is something that frightens me, and I have begun to feel helpless as I've watched myself get smaller and smaller seemingly by the day.
The form of anorexia I am experiencing is on a subconscious, unintended level. Two different halves of my brain: the side that's telling me "Sure, I can eat that, and I will" is not connecting nor communicating with the side that's saying "Wowy, that's a lot of food; I'm only eating a couple of bites!!" thus causing me to eat far less than I should, thus causing me to shrink. It has also been putting strain on my heart and causing different parts of me to function properly (including circulation: it would seem this would account for my random cold spells and the fact that of late I've felt like I've got cold in my very bones).
The ironic part is that I honestly thought I was getting enough food, and have even been making efforts to consume more. It's also ironic that the food I've been eating has been, nutritionally, both excellent and good choices (no junk food going on here!)- there just hasn't been enough of it, and they haven't been high enough in calories. Also, the worst part of our meeting came when she pointed to the nutrition log I've been keeping, and told me that I need to significantly limit the amount of tea I drink each day.
She's probably a coffee person.
She's probably a coffee person.
So Lovely-Lady-Nutritionist is designing ways for me to sneak around the wrong, evil half of my brain (the super-villain wearing the lycra catsuit- she probably just has had low self-esteem since Timmy in the eighth grade laughed at her for having dimples or something silly like that- that's sending me coded messages to only eat little bits) by hiding extra calories, and take baby steps towards uniting both halves of my mind (the other half being the carefree, innocent, gypsy-civilian that thinks it's in control of the situation, and sending me non-coded messages that tell me I'm doing fine) .
That's just about the gist of it, and I know it's a lot of random information you probably didn't want or need, but it leads me to say this.
1. If you are a teenage girl and you are worried about your weight, body image, etc, DON'T. I still believe (despite how I look) that being this thin is wrong- and it is. You should be healthy. When I was losing weight to be healthy, I thought I had control of the situation. I didn't. See a doctor and find out where you are, and only mess with your body if you absolutely need to (not if you think you'd like to lose ten pounds), and have a qualified person showing you how and making sure you stop at whatever extent you should. This is so very, very important. The media that surrounds us as teenage girls is so full of poisonous lies, all of which the wrong halves of our brains (I'm calling her "vanity") will cling to if we let her. God has instructed us to both honor our vessels that he's given us, abstain from the ways of the world, and to not focus too much on matters of the bodily appearance. I gave myself an inch on this last point, and ended up taking it two hundred miles. What a mistake!
2. Please please please do not become overly worried for me. The situation is under control: that is, God is in control, and Nutrionist-Lady is helping me to fix things. She is adamant that you all not try and force me to eat, because that is not the way to sneak around Evil-Half-"Vanity", and could ruin any progress we make. Please do not poke, prod, or otherwise inquire as to what I'm doing, whether I'm eating, and anything else that could cause too much focus or stress in this area. The idea is to eventually be able to ignore it completely. Instead, please please pray that these baby steps can be taken quickly, and we can go more by leaps and bounds. Also pray for my self control, because I know that Vanity is going to cop and attitude, and this is going to take a long time, no matter how I look at it.
Thank you to all who have expressed concern in the past: it's not only been good to know you guys are worried, but it helped us to investigate with all the more hastey-speed.
As most of this kind of ruined my day, I've decided to "screw my courage to the sticking place" (as Lady Macbeth would say, and the "sticking place" that comes to mind is The Cross), and get on with life.
Hopefully, and by God's grace, everything will begin to sort itself out soon.