June 28, 2010

The Drifter And The Gypsy

I'm sitting in my room at this absurd hour, listening to the rain and William Fitzsimmons, nursing a runny nose and what's left of my muse (it's trying very hard not to give up on me completely). Today was the first official day of summer to me- my family and some friends went to Eagle Island and swam around in the reservoir. I love floating on my back in the water, letting the liquid hold me and feeling the slow currents deep beneath. Somehow, between the weightlessness and the blue blue sky, I obtain a feeling of nothingness. I defy gravity, or rather, it isn't even there, and I am merely floating, stranded between reality and something nonexistent.
Of course, all this is abruptly interrupted when one of my brothers chooses this exact moment to spray me with a water gun. However, even late into the evening, after a dinner of hot dogs and potato salad, the feeling still lingers.
After a thorough shampoo I still smack faintly of sunscreen and lake water, and the summer thunderstorm creates a wonderful smell and sound so I have left my window open. I should probably be in bed asleep, but I'd much rather entertain my wish to write, even if all I come up with is rambling nonsense.
Today I am struck mostly with the impression of passing time. Only a year ago I was revving up for my first (and so far and sadly,only) visit to Seattle and my new nephew. Looking back, it seems like no time has passed, and I have hardly grown at all. But delving deeper, I find that I have grown changed- deep deep inside me somewhere, things have changed. It's not a great realization or an obvious difference, it's more an unlocking and a lift away. It's amazing how we can change fractions at a time and not even realize it, and then look back, shocked to suddenly realize we are someone completely different than what we were.
However, I know my little journey is only beginning, and as I look eagerly forward to the day when I leave home next year and, consequently, all the protection and world I've ever known, I know that the little changes have only just begun as well.
I wonder what I will be like at the end?
"The journey, not the arrival, matters."

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